Dr. Davis’ Dictionary of the Surreal

nobody@vox.com(Patricia Volonakis Davis) — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 08:30:11 -0700

When I was in sixth grade, none of these words/phrases existed. Now, every sixth-grader with access to a television or laptop knows their meanings. In case you’re still confused - don’t worry - I’m here to help. Using the expertise afforded me by my self-proclaimed Ph.D Degree in Patrochism, I’ve painstakingly compiled these definitions to get you up to speed. Words (in alphabetical order, of course) are in bold text, with their definitions beneath them:

Blog
What you are currently reading. Duh.

Chambers Dictionary

Bushism
There was an oil man from Texas
Who needed more fuel for his Lexus
He started a war
tried explaining what for, but
on what he meant to say, we’re still taking guesses!

Celebrity Rehab
The attempt of washed-up actors, singers and musicians to rehabilitate their careers by generating the sympathy and voracity of the tabloids.

Cyber-bullying
A method of intimidation applied by parents to their teenage children in order to get them to switch off their computers.

Docutainment
Half facts, half entertainment, sort of like the 2008 United States Presidential Campaign.

Egg Harvesting
A scientific system of producing greater quantities of chicken eggs developed by the Easter Bunny, that will probably get him in deep shit with PETA.

Enhanced Interrogation Techniques
This term is a bit confusing to some, because it sounds a lot harsher than it actually is. You see, ‘interrogation’ is just another way of saying ‘interview’ and ‘enhance’ means ‘to make improved, or more attractive.’ So ‘enhanced interrogation techniques' are not as bad as the relentless questions your mother asks you about stuff that’s none of her business, but more like a give-and-take dialogue, a 'conference,' if you will, at which they serve extra-special tea and biscuits.

Gay Marriage
‘gay’ is synonym for ‘happy,’ so ‘gay marriage’ means ‘happy marriage.’ Because 'happy marriage’ is an oxymoron for many people, ‘gay marriage’ is still deemed implausible in most states.

Global Warming
Global warming is a wonderful happenstance. Due to internet blogging (see definition above) people from all over the world can communicate much more easily. As a result, we’re getting friendlier with each other, we can even say ‘warming up’ to each other. As a result, the globe is a chummier, ’warmer’ place to live than it used to be.

Googled
Past-tense of the verb 'to google,' which means 'to get very familiar with,' as in, “I googled him last night for over an hour.”

Homophobia
Fear of homeless people sleeping on subways. But in today’s economy, a secondary meaning is ‘fear of becoming a homeless person.’

Oprahesque
An adjective that describes anything that is showy, warm and generous. Synonym (UK)- DameEdnaesque, Antonym (International) - Cheneyesque

Reality TV
The difference in level of entertainment between watching Lucy and Ethel stuff chocolates in their mouths and a scowling Brit with bad hair insulting stars-in-their-eyes wannabes.

Reproductive Rights
The Xerox Corporation’s ongoing civil rights struggle to overcome the English-speaking world’s discrimination that “xerox” should be used as a synonym for “photocopy.”

Social Media
In this instance, ‘social’ is a synonym for ‘sociable,’ meaning we see emerging from our television nightly newscasts, our newspapers and our internet web hosts a happier, more upbeat and positive reporting of current events. This is accomplished by leaving out of the headlines anything ‘disturbing’ and filling our pretty little heads with fluffy pieces of drivel, instead.

Speed Dating
An unusual, serendipic circumstance whereby a female gets on a bus to go to work and on jumps a very handsome policeman, who tells her there's a hidden bomb onboard which he has to find and detonate while she drives the bus. After this is accomplished, they go out together for a coffee. ‘Speed dating’ occurs so rarely that when it does, a film is made about it.

Video Beatings
Described by cynics and bleeding hearts alike, as 'the pitiful cry of some teens who, in today’s uncaring, harsh society, are desperate to display their sociopathic, self-absorbed, shallow tendencies, in order to get help against such.' Described by realists as 'parents reaping what they sow.'

Truthiness
Pretty much everything you’ve read here.

I know my dictionary is not complete. I welcome assistance in making it so. Anyone who contributes a word and definition could be eligible for an honourary BS degree in Patrochism.

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