2 posts tagged “patricia volonakis davis' memoir”

I have been receiving a lot of emails from readers ever since my book, Harlot's Sauce, was published. The emails have ranged from "good book, but change the cover" (more than one person has said that, and finally the publisher has listened, but more about that later...) to an outpouring of admiration and assignations to me of wisdom and expertise, as in, "You're SO wise when it comes to relationships. I wish I were more like you."

And this feels... weird. Because, first of all, a letter filled with adoration received from a person who doesn't know me is, to paraphrase Amy Alkon,  a bit like having a stranger come up to you and give you a foot massage- it feels good, maybe even a little exciting, but at the same time, it's unnerving. It's too intimate, too fast. And I haven't really earned that intimacy with some of the people who write to me.  If anyone who doesn't know me wants to trust me on anything,  trust me on this- no one should be wishing to be more like me.

And the part about me being wise? Ha ha. That's funny. The only thing I'm an expert on- a REAL expert - is FAILED relationships. I have failed so many times at love- whether it's romantic, sexual, filial, maternal, daughterly, or comradely, that I guess those who send me emails are right- I probably could predict for anyone when they're headed for tragedy in any of those relationships. But only because I've BEEN there- in a big way. So let's say then that not only do I have that Ph.d in Patrichism, I have also earned my DFR- Doctorate in Failed Relationships. I'm an expert, alright - at breaking my own heart.

My first serious romantic relationship was with a man who used me and my naive virginity, along with my marked lack of self-confidence as his beard for sexual picadilloes I will never repeat, unless they are tortured out of me. I followed that up by worshiping at an altar I created for a man who for decades, considered my dedication to him his 'money card'. He withdrew on that card, and withdrew, and withdrew, with no re-investment, until finally there was no balance left to extract.

During that same time, I had a 'best friend' to whom I was also devoted, and she dropped me not too long after I finally dropped this man. That hurt almost more than the failure of my romantic relationships did, when it finally dawned on me that we'd been 'friends' only because my psyche was in worse shape than hers, and my discontent made her feel better about her own.

And there is so much more, with father and mother and siblings and an extended family group on one side that was less a 'family' and more a 'coven', blood-sworn in their dedication to dysfunction and maliciousness. A cult which cannot admit people who try to be, or are, happy or whole, because somehow that slackens their dark, powerful clutch on one another. I'm talking about the kind of people Anthony Hopkins in some film would warn you to stay away from, unless you were covered in garlic and Crosses.

I developed a terror of getting too close to people generated by all of the above. Why? It was pure self-protection - I only had so much blood in my veins and I'd let those I cared about suck on it for way too long.

As a result of that fear, I screwed up yet again, and almost lost the one man who truly loves me, who is my best friend, as well as my husband and lover. Fear was never going to allow me to make the honest and true friends I do have now, if it hadn't have been for the intervention of some seed of good sense that managed somehow to grow into the great, sturdy tree it's become inside me, despite the soil deprived of minerals in which it's had to blossom. Or maybe it grew because of that, who knows?

And this is me- the real me, without the cleverly written descriptions of my life that make you laugh, the anecdotes which on some days are so tricky to get down on paper - after all, how easy is it, really, to find 'the funny side' of your own foolishness and pain?

Why am I confessing all of this now, and in this unusually maudlin way? Simple. I want you to know who exactly it is you're writing to, asking for advice, and venerating for her 'wisdom.' I want you to know that sometimes the only way to become wise, is to make your own mistakes and live through the agony of them, so that the lesson sticks.

Remember this the next time you come across someone who sounds like an 'expert.' Because they may have become experts the same way I have - not through success after success, but through disaster.

And you know what? It's not nearly as bad as one might think, to learn to be wise that way.

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Note: As is necessary these days due to VOX malfunctions, if you would like to leave a comment about this post, please go to http://patriciavolonakisdavis.wordpress.com

Hello VOX neighbours:

Today, I'm looking for your creative opinions. A friend of mine produced a short 'book trailer' for my book, including the music. I was very pleased with the gift. 

For those who don't know, a 'book trailer' is like a movie trailer, except for books, not movies, obviously. I'd love to hear your critiques and comments.

You can still reach me at my email address patricia@patriciavdavis.com
even just to say "hello", (which would be very nice, indeed) and I'm also on Facebook now. I hope I get to see some more of you there.

Harlot's Sauce the book also has a FACE BOOK FAN PAGE, and we just ran a contest where one VOX neighbour won a $100 dollar American Express Card, a Harlots' Sauce Radio t-shirt, and an autographed copy of the book. There willbe more contests, so if you are on Facebook, and happen to like contests, come join the fan page. (It would probably also help if you actually liked the book, but I don't think they make you sign an affidavit to that effect! ; D )

Okay, so here is the video. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts! You can post them, if you wish, at http://patriciavolonakisdavis.wordpress.com

(By the way, I can't believe how far I've come with my tech skills. Though still a newbie, I remember how Foxsy Dee and Paxton had to give me lessons on even the simplest things. Now I can actually post a vid!