4 posts tagged “harlots' sauce radio”

Note: I don't know how many VOXERS might be interested in this promo, but I thought I'd post it because some of you are already in this new contest and don't even know it yet, and also because it's just plain FUN and I am blessed to have a publicist/friend who comes up with this terrific stuff.  

Restaurant contest

Scratching that Tickle

Summer is upon us, and though many of us see this season as our opportunity to get frisky in the sun, it’s also the season for bug bites and… other nature-induced itches. The handy guide below will help you decide when, or even if you should “scratch”:

Poison Oak

If you’ve got a poison oak rash, it means you’ve been crawling around in a wild place you shouldn’t have, with your naked limbs exposed, and shame on you. Poison oak rash is oozy and scaly, just like that bloke you almost let pick you up at that sleazy bar your friends dragged you to last week. It’s a contamination that will spread over your entire being the more you touch it. Definitely, definitely do not scratch that tickle. Even if you have had too many shots of watered-down Jack.

Flea Bites

A flea bite is a prickling, burning bite that hurts longer than a lover’s betrayal. And just like a Cheater, fleas are hard to spot, so you really can’t do much to avoid getting bit. Do not scratch this tickle either, once it happens; you’ll only exacerbate the intensity. The only thing to do is let that flea bite burn, until the toxins dissipate and you no longer feel the pain. But it will always leave a little red mark on you which remains pretty much forever.

Mosquitoes

Any woman who believes “size matters” has never had a mosquito in her bed. These little guys have egos bigger than Rod Blagojevich, and they make even more noise than he does, too. Their incessant drone is the only foreplay that you get before they finally settle down for a nibble. And when they do, they catch you by surprise. Yet, their prick doesn’t sting much, nor last long. It can be fun to scratch their itch once or twice, but not too hard, or you’ll swell up with infection. By the time that happens, the mosquito responsible is long gone.

Prickly Heat

Prickly heat is a little red rash that shows up on your skin when you get too hot. It’s suddenly just there, like that new man you find so intriguing. Where did it come from? Will it last long? And most important, will it harm you if you rub? It’s usually pretty safe to scratch this tickle...for as long as the heat rash lasts.

Screw You, I'm 52

...and I have wrinkles, receding gums, and a higher income tax bracket. But there are some benefits to aging, believe it or not. If you were paying attention at all, by the time you’re over fifty like me, you’ll have learned something about life.

The following are some things I now know for sure to be true:

1) Being ‘sexy’ doesn’t necessarily come from having youthful, physical flawlessness. No matter how old we get, women (and men) can still exude sensuousness by their enthusiasm for people and new experiences. You’ll be surprised at how many young people appreciate that in an older person. (I guess it makes them feel that they’re not falling head first into the grave as soon as they reach forty.)

2) The Rolling Stones will always be cool. They’ll never stop giving terrific performances. In fact, they might even be immortal, sort of like vampires.

3) Doing what’s right, what makes you feel happy and productive, are sometimes mentally and physically exhausting, especially when you have to do them alone. But in the long run, it’s much harder on the spirit and body to pretend that there was nothing you could do to live a more fulfilling life, or nothing you could do to make a positive change in the world.

4) If you own one good black outfit that fits you well and flatters your figure, and you add the right casual or dressy accessories, you’re pretty much ready to go anywhere. This might also be true for men, especially The Rolling Stones.

5) Almost everyone in The United States of America (and probably other countries, too) has thought about writing a book, if they could “just find the time.”

6) If you want to be unforgettable, treat people with respect, warmth, and interest, no matter what their age, background, or station. This goes for everyone, including your neighbor’s five-year-old, your deaf uncle, and the woman who cleans the communal stairs in your apartment complex.

7) In the same vein, you can learn something new and beneficial from everyone, including your neighbor’s five-year-old, your deaf uncle, and the woman who cleans the communal stairs in your apartment complex.

8) There is nothing more valuable than a true friend, and nothing more despicable than one who betrays you. A rotten friend does more damage to your psyche than a rotten lover. So pick your friends even more carefully than you pick your lovers.

9) Always keep your toenails freshly-pedicured. You never know when you’ll have to take off your shoes.

10) You can make a man want you just by laughing at his jokes.

11) There are some people you just have to walk away from, and never look back. These can be anyone from a pushy salesperson to your own parents.

12) Your true love does not have to come with the perfect face. He or she only has to come with the perfect soul. And you won’t believe what a perfect soul will do for one’s perception of a face.

13) If you have children, remember that they’re not your clones. They have their own dreams, opinions, and goals. To maintain a loving, mutually-rewarding relationship with them, let them know you appreciate and accept that.

14) Also when it comes to your kids, you might as well do what you think is right, because you’re going to get blamed anyway, for getting it wrong.

15) To paraphrase another saying, whether you think you’re too old, or not too old to try something new, you’re right.

16) Not everyone appreciates a hug from a stranger, but a kind word is always welcome.

17) Unless you pay them, nobody really wants to hear about your rotten childhood, because they’re still trying to work through their own.

18) Flossing is very important, just as your dentist tells you. I’m not joking. Do it.

19) World peace will not be achieved in my lifetime. I honestly thought it would, because it seems so easy to me. But it isn’t for too many others, so I accept it now that I won’t live to see it.

20) No matter how rich, worldly, or old a man gets, he still loves to talk about Spider-man.

21) And last, if you work to leave whatever place you’re in a little bit better than it was before you got to it, whether it’s a job, a relationship or a situation, you’ll die a happy person.

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Note:  The post above was first published in the January 2009 Issue of Harlots' Sauce Radio e-magazine, newly designed by Amber Fire Sanity Design Studios, a team of fabulous ladies who also have two great blog sites of their own:  

http://sanityfound.wordpress.com/
http://ambermoon.wordpress.com/

Please pay these blog spots a visit for two really good reads, and if you're in need of a new website, I know that the entire staff at Harlots Sauce Radio agrees that they are the tops!

Sons 1

Uber-Liberals can be just as off-putting as uber-Conservatives. I’m not talking about the type of Liberals who look at you with disappointment as you discreetly try to eat your cheeseburger, while they’ve ordered the veggie platter. I’m talking about the kind of uber-Liberals who, after you’ve invited them to dinner, respecting their beliefs enough to serve them up 'Tofu Surprise,' they still look at you as though you’ve handed them nuclear waste to consume because you heated their food in a ─ gasp! ─ ‘energy-bleeding, cancer-causing’ microwave.

 
I’m talking about the kind of Liberal who wanted to hang Michael Vick publicly by his…well, rhymes with ‘Vick’, and cut out his bowels, because of his mistreatment of dogs, but yet picketed San Quentin State Prison in order to save Stanley ‘Tookie’ Williams from execution. Not because they were at San Quentin protesting every execution of every inmate on death row, opposing the death penalty in general. That I can respect. However, Clarence Allen’s execution went virtually unnoticed in comparison to Stanley’s, because Stanley, who was the co-founder of The Crips ─ a Los

Sons 2

Angeles street gang that still exists today ─ had written some children’s books while he was incarcerated, books against street gang violence. Oh, and he also apologized for his brutal murder of a family of Chinese immigrants who were running a motel that Stanley robbed, and additionally for the shots at point blank range he put into the back of a 26-year old convenience store clerk during another robbery.

 
Yeah, you see, even though Stan refused to aid police investigations with any information against his gang, and was implicated in attacks on guards and other inmates, as well as in multiple escape plots, he and his supporters still maintained he’d had a change of heart, albeit too late for the people he slaughtered. Nonetheless, a battalion of lawyers was utilized, and piles of state tax money were spent on stay after stay of execution for Tookie.  Tookie’s death sentence was protested because he was a celebrity in his own right. But Clarence Allen, a 76-year-old heart patient and diabetic when he was executed at the same prison, went pretty much unnoticed by the press and any uber-Liberals.

 
So, this is the sort of Liberal I’m talking about.

In fact, I’m pretty sure my husband and I came across a husband and wife team of this precise type of person the other night. And the husband part of the set, with the wife nodding along her agreement, asked us this in exactly these words:

 
“How come you have so many kids? Doesn’t it bother you the impact they have on the environment, and the adding to the problem of overpopulation?”

Now, my husband, bless his heart, took that as a genuine question, and not as the two-part accusation framed as a question that it actually was. That’s why he proceeded to answer it genuinely,too, explaining at length how much we love kids, etc. Heck, he practically whipped out his bank book to assure this fellow that, not to worry, we can indeed afford these offspring. In fact, we pay handsomely, to the tune of forty-percent of our hard-earned income in taxes, to offset any harmful consequence our children have had on our planet, based solely on their existence.

But, while he was doing that, I was looking at this couple who were looking at my husband while he was explaining himself, thinking, “Would you have posed that pseudo-question to us if we were covered in black skin instead of white?”

 
Probably not, would be the answer, because that would be an uber-Liberal “no-no” for so many reasons. But it’s okay to say it to us, because not only are we white, my husband is really, really white. My background is Italian, but my husband has roots that go back as far as the next boat after The Mayflower. And, between us we had five children, all sons.

 
Yow ─ five white males.  Not good. It almost sounds like we’ve birthed a clan of neo-Nazis, doesn’t it? But we are a blended family, so only four of our sons are just as WASP-y as their father, while my one biological offspring ‘sprang’ from the loins of a Greek.

 
Now that I’m thinking about it, that particular son doesn’t even look all that white. He’s got very dark eyes and his hair, in long dredlocks now, is also dark. In addition, as far as his politics go, in the few short years he’s been old enough to vote, I’m fairly certain he’s voted Democrat every time. He’s also a musician and film major at university, two other aspects about him I’d imagine uber-Liberals would embrace.

So, do we get a ‘pass’ on him?   I think we should, from a Liberal’s standpoint, anyway. The other four are likely more problematic, though, given their background and occupations.

 
Let’s start with the twins. One of them is a long-haul trucker, trekking people’s furnishings back and forth across the U.S. as they are forced to move because banks are repossessing their homes.

 
Ick, a long-haul trailer truck ─ that’s a huge carbon footprint. That son might have to go.

 
On the other hand, if there were no long-haul trucks, there’d be no way for people to move their possessions which are made from various materials, including, probably, plastics. What would happen if we forced everyone to abandon their possessions along with their homes? They’d have to get new stuff wherever they moved. That would cause twice as many non-recyclables per repossessed family to be present on the planet, causing that much more pollution.

 
Therefore, on second thought, that son is probably a necessary evil. So, I think we should get to keep him, too.

(Sigh) I wish I could come up with a reason to keep the second twin, but unfortunately, I can’t. The second twin builds houses for a living, and that occupation is naively optimistic, given that the housing market has gone to hell in a hand basket, and is not going to get better any time soon. So really, he’s just wasting trees. Also, even though he bought my husband and me both Al Franken and Barack Obama books for Christmas, I know he’s voted Republican now and again.  And, I must confess, he owns guns. You can see there’s just no good reason he should be on the planet, despite the fact that he’s really rather sweet, has never been out of work, pays all his taxes, and even has a very liberal Poli-Sci degree.We'd be sorry to see him go, but he was part of a two-for-one, so I suppose it's okay, as no one had really planned on him originally, anyway.

 
Oh wait ─ I know! ─ we can offer him up as an exchange. We lost his younger brother in a car accident several years back. Now that son wasn’t even 19 when he left us. He didn’t have much of chance to “add to overpopulation,” and unless you count playing some really badass baseball as having a “negative impact on the environment,” he didn’t get a chance to do much damage in that way, either.

So, the way I see it, is we have four surviving sons, who came originally from two sets of parents. That’s four for four, so doesn’t that make us even?

I also think there’s no way anyone would want us to get rid of the only one I haven’t mentioned, because he’s an accountant. With trillions of dollars in federal debt, trillions more being spent on Iraq and Afghanistan, and trillions additionally that the banks loaned out so capriciously, and which we are now having to give back to said banks with even more of our tax dollars, the country needs as many accountants as it can get to keep track of all that money as it slips through all our fingers.

 
You know, after careful consideration of all the combined factors, I think people should lay off us and our sons. So, the next time someone asks us how come we have so many kids, I know exactly what I’m going to say:

“My husband used to sell birth control pills. These boys are customer complaints.”