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25 Clues the Man of Your Dreams Will Become the Man Your Children Only See on Weekends

Are you engaged to be married, but none of your friends or family seem as rapturous about it as you are? Perhaps they see something to which love has made you blind? The following are two dozen and one indicators that guarantee you and your perfect love will end up in divorce court. (And please don’t ask me how I know):

1.    If he has a neck tattoo he got in prison
2.    If he always calls your private parts by a four-letter word
3.    If he’s already complaining about your mother
4.    If he lies to his friends about the fact that you are a year older than he is
5.    If his family’s religious rituals are too complex for you to understand
6.    If he owns both Gucci socks and Gucci ties in seven shades of blue, and insists they must absolutely match  before going off to work
7.    If, even when just out for a casual car ride, he swears at other drivers
8.    If he reports to you that his mother is upset about something you said or did
9.    If he cheated on someone to go out with you
10.   If he forgets the name of your child from your previous marriage
11.    If he asks you to sign a prenup
12.    If his first sexual experience was with a prostitute that an older male family member ‘treated’ him to on his fourteenth birthday
13.    If he laughs when someone compliments your outfit
14.    If he thinks homosexuality is “learned.”
15.    If he refuses to run out and buy you emergency tampons
16.    If female airline pilots make him “nervous”
17.    If he tells your sister he wonders what would have happened if he had met her first
18.    If you find a stash of fetish magazines he’s kept hidden from you
19.    If he consistently goes into another room to take phone calls
20.    If he snorts when you voice your political views
21.    If you cook his favorite dish as a surprise, and his response is that it’s not the way his mother makes it
22.    If he complains it takes you too long to reach orgasm
23.    If he knows the difference between your salary and his to the penny, and he makes a lot more or a lot less than you do.
24.    If he mentions that if he were gay, he’d sleep with your best friend’s husband
25.    If he has a neck tattoo he got in prison