3 posts from March 2008

My last post was directed to younger women. This one is for woman who are no longer so young. But it’s not for every older woman. It’s not for those who are divorced or single and very contentedly plan to stay that way. Kudos to those women who are happy in their single state. You know who you are and you rock, girls.

No, this post is for the over-forty, single woman who says that she wants to get married, or have a partner, but, “there are no nice men out there my age.”

To those women, I say, “You’re right.” 

 

That is, if your definition of  ‘nice,’ is, “looks like George Clooney, with a body like Brad Pitt, a sense of humour like Chris Rock, the money of Warren Buffet, the gentility of a Welsh prince, the intelligence of Stephen Hawkins and the fashion sense of Michael Kors. In that case, then, you are indeed right - there are no ‘nice’ men out there your age. In fact, by that standard, there are no men any age with any chance of pleasing you.

What’s going on? I’ve been running into forty to sixty-year-old females who are acting like little girls. They will reject a perfectly wonderful man because he’s bald, or short, or has an odd laugh. One intelligent woman I know even dismissed a man who was interested in her, only because she didn’t like the shirt he was wearing!

And here’s another rather drastic example. I recently met an attractive, 56-year-old woman, beautifully groomed and in great shape. But one thing that struck me as at odds with her obviously devoted beauty regimen was that she had a perpetual look of displeasure, because of two very deep grooves that started at either side of her nose and ran right down to her chin. Lines on a 56-year-old face are normal, but these frown lines were so entrenched, they’d had to be decades in the making.  My supposition turned out to be accurate, when one of the first things she said to me was, “I’ve been married thirty-three years and I’ve hated every day of it. I just can’t stand my husband.”

 

She went on, “But, I can’t get a divorce. There are lots of reasons to stay married.”

That might be true, but she never explained what those reasons were. And she never explained why she couldn’t stand her husband. But later in the conversation I picked up some clues, when I happened to mention that my husband likes to eat peanut butter and graham crackers for lunch, every day.

“Every day?” she asked, already frowning. “Doesn’t that bother you?”

“Not at all,” I said, “I just buy very big jars of peanut butter and very large boxes of graham crackers.”

I thought she’d laugh, but instead, she frowned some more and those lines on her face got as deep as the Straits of Corinth. “How do you put up with that?” she asked, seriously. “That would really annoy me.”

Then I understood. This woman had spent the last thirty years trying to make her husband over into something he hadn’t been when she’d chosen him. So, naturally she was miserable. And I bet her husband’s life was no picnic, either.

In that one conversation, I learned everything I needed to know about her idea of marriage.

And sadly, she’s not the only one. Many women are expecting some idealised, stylised,  made-up version of man to show up at their doors and be a reflection of the make-believe that they’ve been carrying around since they first saw Walt Disney’s Sleeping Beauty when they were children. And that’s why they’re sad and/or lonely. That man they’re waiting for was invented by romance novelists and Hollywood. The Johnny Depp they’re dreaming of is a phantasm who doesn’t exist.

That’s why, with all due respect, I simply have to say, “Wake up, Sleeping Beauty, because you’re missing something very big.”

Johnny Depp might be a perfectly fine human being, for all we’ll ever know, but when he’s working, he’s put together by make-up artists, a team of hair dressers and costume experts. His every move is choreographed by professionals and his every sentence is memorised from a script.  If his leading lady is taller than he, they stand him on a box and the camera hides the fact that she’s crouching as she says her lines to him, while desperately trying to ignore the smell of onions on his breath from the sandwich he had at dinner break.

And yet, a real, live, breathing human male hasn’t got a chance against him with a woman who compares him to her sexual fantasies of chocolate-eating Irish gypsies, blind murderers in Mexico and pirates with bad teeth.

But a fantasy can’t hold you at night, talk over breakfast with you in the morning and grow old with you. A fantasy doesn’t listen when you talk about your dreams, your mother, your fears. A fantasy doesn’t trust you with his utmost vulnerabilities, see you as the most beautiful woman in the world.

My husband, the graham-cracker-eater, is not perfect, but he’s perfect for me. He tells me he has wrinkles, but I just can’t see them. I’m too focused on his gorgeous eyes. They reflect his joy of his everyday life with me, our children, his work, his hobbies. They glisten with compassion over the terrible things we read in the news. And at night, when we’re together, they shine like a boy’s, a boy who is unwrapping a gift he’s been waiting for all his life. With no offence to Johnny, because I love his movies, too, but I just don’t think he could pull that off every night in my bed, script or no script. Because Johnny is not in love with me, but my husband is.

Honestly? You know what I really wanted to say to Ms. Furrow-Face when she was so patently annoyed by peanut butter?

I wanted to ask her, “When was the last time you and you husband gave or received oral sex to each other and really relished it? Not just because you were horny, but because you were doing it with the one person in the world who makes you feel that nothing could possibly be better than this?”  

But sadly, she’ll never feel that. Instead, she’ll spend the next thirty-three years forcing her poor sap of a mate to have a varying lunch menu every day of the week, because that’s what she thinks he should want.

Gosh, I sure hope she enjoys those lunches. And I guess, I’ll just enjoy the screaming orgasms my husband happily provides me at least four times a week. I hope those last another thirty years, too.  But when they stop and it’s time for my life to end, I really, truly hope I die in his arms, with our children around me. 

Knowing that he’d be there for me, till the very last, well, that’s what’s sexy to me.

Ladies who are looking for love, please listen to me - sexy, nice men are everywhere. They’re short, they’re bald, they’re old, they’re young, they’re fat, they’re skinny, they’re smart and not-so-smart, well-dressed and badly-dressed, straight and gay. They’re construction workers or business men. They’re even posting on VOX.

To illustrate, I will outline a partial list of men here, in alphabetical order, who, if I were not already in love, or if I were younger, or older, or living in their country, or if they weren’t already attached to some other lucky (and very smart) woman, I’d make a beeline for. And no matter what shirt he’s wearing, or what he eats for lunch, I’d find him sooo attractive, just because he’s HIM:

1.  Ancora Impara
2.  Baria
3.  BlackJavaBean
4.  Crowseer
5.  Himanshu Gupta
6.  IlliasK
7.  Jack Yan
8.  Jayd
9.  Kirk
10. Paxton
11. Petermcc
12. Phillhellene
13. R.G. Ryan
14. Snowy
15. Steve Betz
16. Toe-Knee

Why did I pick these sixteen men? Not because they’re pirates on a dead man’s ship. Just read their  blogs and their comments on other people’s blogs, and you’ll know why. They’re compassionate, passionate, family-loving, smart, sincere, insightful. They say kind things, have a world outlook, are productive human beings and caring friends. In short, “SEX BOMBS,” every last one. And there’s more where they came from, if we only look away from our movie screens and novels and out in to the real world. 

 

_____________________________
DISCLAIMER: Don’t get upset because I’m directing this post to only my sex. I know there are foolish men out there, too, who make the same mistakes when they’re looking for a woman to love. In fact, I divorced one of them.

I've just learned that one of my favourite Voxers shares a birthday month with me. She'll be turning 21, whilst I'll be turning fifty-two. So for her and for every other younger woman on VOX, I've learned some valuable things about life, love and being female over the past half-century and I thought if I passed some of the more important ones on to you, maybe it will save you some precious time:

 

 

1) You are at least ten times prettier than you think you are. That holds true no matter how pretty you already think you are! Don't believe me? Ask your mother/auntie/grannie if she thought she was pretty when she was twenty. She'll say, "no." Then find a photo of her at that age. See what I mean?

2)The only thing you should be faking is confidence. If you don't have it yet, pretend you do. In every new situation, pretend you're not nervous, pretend you're not afraid. After a few times doing this, the pretend part disappears.

3) Want to try something new, like painting, skiing, running your own business? Go to the library and borrow ten different books on the subject. Skim through them all, find the ones that have the most vital information and study them. Then see number 2.

4) No matter how old you get, remember what it was like to be a nine-year old girl. Remember the feeling of freedom. If you've already forgotten, do a cartwheel. You can so still do one. Savour that feeling.  Wake up with it every day. You'll stay young until the day you die.

5) In the same vein, cut or potted flowers are never a waste of money. Because every time we glance at them, they remind us how much beauty there can be in the world.

6) Speaking of money, starting right this moment, whether you're twenty or sixty, you can change your finances around. Don't leave someone else completely in charge,whether it's your husband, partner, parents or banker. Become financially saavy.  Financial independence gives you the freedom to walk away from many bad situations. How do you know you're in  bad situation? See number seven.

 

7) If your stomach hurts and you haven't got a virus, you're in a bad situation. Before you know what it is, your stomach always does. Give yourself some time to ponder what it might be that's making your stomach hurt. Chances are you already do know, you just don't want to believe it, for some reason. You can ignore advice from your friends, even your own brain, but you can't ignore your stomach, because the stomach never lies. Oh, and by the way? - Drowning your stomach in alcohol won't make it stop telling you the truth, either.

8) When meeting someone new and he or she seems to be behaving like an assh*le, show compassion first. If after you display your sincere compassion, they are still acting like an assh*le, walk away. If they follow you, call the police.

 

9) Wear sunscreen on your face, neck and hands every day, winter and summer. I don't care how dark your skin naturally is. Wear it. You'll remember me when you look in the mirror at age fifty. Always keep in mind that Your body is directly connected to your spirit. Look after your body. Exercise, floss and brush your teeth. Put nothing in your body that can permanently harm your spirit, including the wrong man.

10) And if you are in bed with a man and he's the right man - meaning your stomach doesn't hurt, he's smiling at you, he knows your name, he's not drunk and neither are you- for goddsakes- enjoy yourself. He is not at all thinking about how fat your thighs look.

 

What Shall We Do on Christmas Day?

 

 

1)  “The hind legs of the tiger are longer than the forelegs. It is this that enables them to jump impressive distances. There have been instances recorded of tigers leaping widths of as much as twenty feet, with one tiger seen to leap thirty feet.

It is not uncommon for wild tigers to make vertical leaps of up to six feet in an effort to scale an obstacle. On one occasion a tiger was recorded as carrying the entire carcass of a domestic cow over a six-foot wall.

Some captive facilities now include circus-like activities to prevent boredom in their cats, and to improve general physical and mental health. Leaping over natural obstacles is often part of this.

Utilised in long-range communication the roar is infrequently used. Easily heard for over 3 km, it advertises location and warns away other tigers, or attracts them when the search for a mate is on. Sometimes it is sounded after a successful kill, but never during the actual attack, which is carried out in silence.”excerpted from lairweb.org.nz

 

2).  Definition of “Captivity and Animal Captivity“- excerpted from WIKIPEDIA:

a. “The state of being confined to a space from which it is difficult or impossible to escape;  the same used in a figurative sense, like for example, female captivity, as allegorically portrayed in The Gilded Cage”

b. “Keeping wild, non-domesticated animals in menageries, zoos, aquaria, marine mammal parks, for various reasons:
prestige (to display wealth and power)
entertaiment and Amusement
profit
science
education
conservation biology

Captive animals, especially those which are not domesticated, sometimes develop repetitive, apparently purposeless motor behaviors called stereotypical behaviors , thought to be caused by the animals' abnormal environment. Many zoos and research institutions, attempt to prevent or decrease stereotypical behavior by introducing novel stimuli, known as environmental enrichment.
 

3) In Carlo’s Sousa’s own words from his MySpace Page:

" Hey What's Up!? My Name is Carlos, Im portugeese and brazilian. I'm 16, I love my life, but its gonna get better. I want to be DJ someday. I Hang with the family , and my true homies play basketball and go out to the movies and partyharder then a rock star, only sumdayz wen i have my days off of work. I'm just a laid back guy looking for some cool new friends! So if anyone wants to talk, just say wat it doo doo!!"

4) Various Posts/Blogs about the San Francisco Zoo Tiger Attack:

According to his last post on his MySpace page his mood was "high". So maybe the Tiger just wanted some spiked brownies.

-------Posted by: Dencio | Dec 27, 2007 5:53:06 PM

Man , I looked at his site and he comes off as being a punk and obnoxious ,I think it will come out that they taunted the tiger and if they did it is say the tiger had to be put down...even on his tribute site people are anonymous since they don't want to look bad when the surveillance video is played back. Another sad thing ..how did this guy every even graduate high school ..he even says in his profile that he is into 'being dumb'

--------Posted by: Aslanspal | Dec 27, 2007 10:10:03 PM

Just looking at his MySpace it's obvious he did drugs. Friends left comments like "where da treez at". Also, the other public MySpace mentioned on this page has comments on it where they are mentioning Ecstasy prices. Also, "going dumb" is San Francisco slang for taking ecstasy. I am sure these Dhaliwal brothers did drugs too. Another news report says that Sousa's father called the Dhaliwal household looking for his son. He was told that he was not with them when in fact he was. To me that screams that they were out doing drugs, acting stupid. Look what it got them.

---------Posted by: nik | Dec 28, 2007 12:08:52 AM

So, let me get this right. If someone happens to taunt the tigers and the person’s conduct enrages the tigers, then the zoo is without responsibility because the person and/or other visitors should have known that the tigers could easily escape their enclosure? How absurd. I guess all zoo visitors better stay home, as really, you never know when someone may taunt a tiger or for that matter, engage in conduct that triggers an attack mode and really, if so, you, as a visitor deserves to be mauled to death. Silly me, somehow I expected zoo officials would have considered a wide range of possibilities (including taunting) when they built the height of the enclosure. 
 May your soul rest in peace Carlos.

 --------------Posted by: Rene | Dec 27, 2007 11:56:26 PM

 

5. Newspaper Reports/Blogs on Manuel Mollinedo, Director of San Francisco Zoo:

Manuel Mollinedo was the search committee's unanimous pick for director. "The nice thing about a zoo is that you can put your arms around it,'' he says.---from San Francisco Chronicle

Mollinedo left his job as director of L.A.'s Department of Recreation and Parks in 2003, to take the San Francisco Zoo job. He previously was director of the Los Angeles Zoo from 1995 to 2002 and won high praise for his management there despite his lack of background in animal care or zoos. The job usually requires at least as much knowledge in the care and feeding of politicians and donors as it does oversight of exotic animals.

Mollinedo ran the L.A. Zoo in 2001 on the day that a komodo dragon bit off the toe  belonging to the San Francisco Chronicle's executive editor Phil Bronstein. That's a fact that may help keep the Chronicle's attention on Mollinedo as the probe of the tiger attack continues.

-------------Posted by Robert

“At the news conference, Zoological Society Chairman Nick Podell lavishly praised the beleaguered Mollinedo, who took over at the zoo in February 2004 and was earning $314,038 a year plus $15,702 in benefits and a $9,548 expense account, according to zoo tax documents filed in November. The society operates the zoo, although the land and animals are owned by the city.”----San Francisco Chronicle

“The very public tragedy overshadows decades of problems - and the troubles of the current zoo administration, which began in February 2004 when Manuel Mollinedo became director of the 100-acre facility.

Almost four years later, attendance has increased, celebrations built around ethnic holidays have drawn crowds, new arrivals such as KuneKune pigs have proved popular, and two splashy exhibits - Hearst Grizzly Gulch and the long-planned African Savanna - have opened. However, problems have multiplied and employee morale has plummeted. The director's tenure has been highly eventful.

Three of the zoo's four elephants have died since March 2004 - two at the zoo, a third at a Calaveras County sanctuary where it was sent, broken-down and ailing. The lone survivor still lives there. The fight over the pachyderms' fate, taken up by the San Francisco Board of Supervisors and animal rights activists, enraged the national Association of Zoos and Aquariums, which tabled the zoo's accreditation for a year.

This summer, two giant elands, valued at $30,000 apiece, were killed by their peer soon after all three arrived at the zoo, during a quarantine that sources say was doomed and mishandled. Two black swans, introduced with much fanfare in May 2006, also didn't last long.

A year ago June, some parakeets in the zoo's big summer blockbuster, Binnowee Landing, tested positive for psittacine beak-and-feather disease, which is contagious and often fatal to other birds, including family pets. The zoo knew about the problem but did not warn visitors until it was reported in the press.

Meanwhile, plans were quietly killed for the Great Ape Forest exhibit, highlighted in a $48 million city bond measure approved by voters in 1997 to upgrade the zoo. And four would-be inhabitants - aging wild-born chimpanzees- are still living in a concrete grotto while their handler continues her lonely quest to make sure their rare and invaluable genes are passed on through breeding.

The chimps' longtime zookeeper, Lisa Hamburger, has occasionally appeared at monthly meetings of the Joint Zoo Committee, a city panel that oversees the zoo, to plead her case. As she prepared to speak one afternoon, Mollinedo got up and walked out of the room.

"It would appear that his management style - which downplays the value of staff and the welfare of animals - remains in place," said a former worker from the Los Angeles Zoo.

Since Mollinedo took over, there has been a steady exodus of employees, including the deputy director, education director, two successive public relations managers, development director, curator of birds, marketing manager, events director, human resources manager, general manager of concessions and a number of veteran keepers.

6) Newspaper Reports on Events that took place Christmas Day, 2007 at the San Francisco Zoo:

Two victims of a lethal Christmas Day tiger attack were harassing the big cats at the San Francisco Zoo shortly before a 350-pound feline escaped its enclosure and mauled them, a woman told The Chronicle on Wednesday.

Jennifer Miller, who was at the zoo with her husband and two children that ill-fated Christmas afternoon, said she saw four young men at the big-cat grottos - and three of them were teasing the lions a short time before the tiger's bloody rampage that killed 17-year-old Carlos Sousa Jr.

Miller called the behavior she witnessed by the victims "disturbing."

"The boys, especially the older one, were roaring at them. He was taunting them," the San Francisco woman said. "They were trying to get that lion's attention. ... The lion was bristling, so I just said, 'Come on, let's get out of here' because my kids were disturbed by it."

Her family was looking at the lions when the young men stopped beside them at the big-cat grottos - five outdoor exhibits attached to the Lion House. The young men started roaring at the lions and acting "boisterous" to get their attention, said Miller, who added that she watched the four for five minutes or so a little after 4 p.m.

Taunting an animal at the zoo is a misdemeanor. Zoo officials declined Wednesday to specifically say that they suspected taunting in the escape of the tiger.

"Something prompted our tiger to leap over the exhibit," said Manuel Mollinedo, executive director of the zoo, in response to questions during a 13-minute press conference attended by at least 40 media representatives on Wednesday.

The two surviving young men who were attacked denied harassing any animals. Their lawyer is attempting to sue the zoo for character defamation.

7) Final findings in the San Francisco Zoo Tiger Attack, according to newspaper reports:

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) - One of the three victims of San Francisco Zoo tiger attack was intoxicated and admitted to yelling and waving at the animal while standing atop the railing of the big cat enclosure, police said in court documents filed Thursday.

Paul Dhaliwal, 19, told the father of Carlos Sousa Jr., 17, who was killed, that the three yelled and waved at the tiger, according search warrant affidavit obtained by the San Francisco Chronicle

“As a result of this investigation, (police believe) that the tiger may have been taunted/agitated by its eventual victims," according to Inspector Valerie Matthews, who prepared the affidavit. Police believe that "this factor contributed to the tiger escaping from its enclosure and attacking its victims," she said.

Sousa's father, Carlos Sousa Sr., said Dhaliwal told him the three stood on a 3-foot-tall metal railing a few feet from the edge of the tiger moat. "When they got down they heard a noise in the bushes, and the tiger was jumping out of the bushes on him (Paul Dhaliwal)," the documents said.

Police found a partial shoe print that matched Paul Dhaliwal's on top of the railing, Matthews said in the documents. Authorities believe the tiger leaped or climbed out of the enclosure, which had a wall 4 feet shorter than the recommended minimum.

The affidavit also cites multiple reports of a group of young men taunting animals at the zoo, the Chronicle reported.

Mark Geragos, an attorney for the Dhaliwal brothers, did not immediately return a call late Thursday by The Associated Press for comment. He has repeatedly said they did not taunt the tiger.

Toxicology results for Dhaliwal showed that his blood alcohol level was 0.16—twice the legal limit for driving, according to the affidavit. His 24-year-old brother, Kulbir, and 17-year-old Sousa also had alcohol in their blood but within the legal limit.

All three also had marijuana in their systems, Matthews said. Kulbir Dhaliwal told police that the three had smoked pot and each had "a couple shots of vodka" before leaving San Jose for the zoo on Christmas Day, the affidavit said.

Police found a small amount of marijuana in Kulbir Dhaliwal's 2002 BMW, which the victims rode to the zoo, as well as a partially filled bottle of vodka, according to court documents.

"Those brothers painted a completely different picture to the public and the press," Singer said. "Now it's starting to come out that what they said is not true."