You, the Guilty One
This post is dedicated to you. You know who you are, though not many others do. You trust very few with your secret, the terrible, shameful secret that your mother, your father, maybe even your brothers and sisters, are not talking to you, or you've stopped talking to them.
Or perhaps that's not quite the truth, perhaps you do still talk to them, but wish like hell you could find the nerve to sever ties. Because every time you see them, you leave feeling sick and humiliated. They twist your guts up every time, but you keep going back, because you think- hope- it will be different this time. This time, you’ll do or say the one right thing, the one clever thing, that will make them love you or be proud of you, or, at the very least, respect you. Or maybe the reason you go back each time is because you had it drilled into your head long ago that you have to accept any bad behaviour from them because they are "your family." Possibly your priest told you that, or your rabbi, or even your best friend, who just happens to have a family who treats him/her in a similar way.
But more likely, it was your parents themselves. Starting from when you were quite young, after they tormented you in some physical or mental way, they told you that you were to blame, you forced them to treat you in an unbearable way, because you were an unbearable child.
And when you got to too old for them to mentally or physically persecute you, (but only because you moved away,) they continued their campaign against you by “gathering armies.” They told your brothers and sisters how reprehensible you are and that it was acceptable, preferable even, for them to dislike you, even hate you. They passed this sentiment on to aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, anyone they could martial to listen to and sympathise with their complaints about you. Some were happy to join their crusade. Others were skeptical, though nonetheless, they never defended you.
So for a long time, as you grew to adulthood, you believed them, all of them, that you were ‘argumentative,’ or ‘ungrateful,’ or ‘disrespectful,’ or ‘selfish,’ or ‘crazy’ or coldhearted, or ‘too big for your britches,’ or ‘difficult to handle,’ or whatever. Whatever the reason that they reviled you, you knew it was your fault and you tried to 'fix' it .
But, you never could, could you? No matter what you attempted, be it reason or tears, no matter how you begged for acceptance, wanted so much to explain who you were, and how much you loved them, they wouldn’t hear you and you couldn’t earn their love.
So you struggled hard to close yourself off from the pain of it. You swallowed all their contempt, pretending that you didn’t even sense it. You chastised yourself every time you weren’t stoic enough, numb enough, to convince them and yourself that their barbs, their accusations, didn't hit their mark.
You may have even gone out and found others who treated you the same way your family did. Your wife, your husband, a new friend, even a coworker, picked up the signal from you that it was okay to treat you despicably, because your own family had taught you that you deserved to be despised. You provided a great outlet for these people, because you would never react. And that was because you wanted to be too tough to care.
Sometime in your late twenties or early thirties, it all gets to be a little too much, however, when someone steps over even that meagre line of self-respect you’ve allowed yourself. It might be that you get turned down once too often for that promotion you richly deserve, or that your husband’s verbal assaults become physical. Maybe you have child and one day, when you look at her, you see the child you once were. So you decide to create a better world for your child and you. You seek “help,” another thing your family ridicules you for, as more proof that you’re the problem. They see you need to go ‘get right in the head,' while of course, they don’t.
For a hefty fee, your therapist is sympathetic and points out the obvious - you didn’t deserve to be brutalised because you couldn’t have been all that intolerable when you were in middle school. So, it’s not you, after all. You wasted almost three decades to anxieties and unmerited hurt, but now you can feel better. Now you can say, “it’s not me,” with some conviction, because your therapist told you so. And will keep telling you so, as long as you keep going back and paying to hear it.
Eventually you stop having to go back and hear it, either because you do finally truly believe it, or because your health insurance runs out. You feel much better about yourself. You learn to have productive relationships. You learn to assert yourself, even like yourself. You meet others who like you, too and whom you can like right back.
And yet, there’s always that hole of lingering hurt. You try to fill it. Maybe with food, maybe with exercise, maybe with sex or achievements. But deep down, you know you weren’t really hungry and all your accomplishments still don’t give you what you want - that primal approval from the ones who mattered first, though not necessarily most, and the complete release from the little guilt devil who still remains tethered to you. He’s much less significant now, but he’s still there. He’ll never completely go away. And do you know why?
It’s because you really are guilty.
You are guilty of possessing that one rogue gene from the putrid family pool that gave you a luminous soul and a heart full of compassion.
You are guilty of making the rest of your pitiful family feel envy and resentment that not only were you the only crab who crawled out of their barrel, but you offered others a hand up, too and they didn’t want to take it.
You are guilty of overcoming hardships and rejoicing in your triumphs, while your relatives only see that you have “good” luck, whilst theirs is “bad.”
And though you may always feel slightly sad that your “good luck” did not extend to who your family is and how they will always see you, that experience helped shape you into the empathetic, productive person you are.
And so, you are guilty, my friend, of being capable of embracing life, drawing others to you with your lure of joy, while your relatives only want to wallow in misery and wait to die. It was a choice they made long ago, that separates you from them and always will. If you can’t fully get over it, sigh deeply, and get used to it.
Then, surround yourself with people like yourself and celebrate the miracle of you, the guilty, wondrous, miracle of you.
My Groups
-
political Updated: 5 minutes ago
-
The Inklings Updated: 5 minutes ago
-
Freethinkers Updated: 5 minutes ago
Neighborhood
Explore friends, family, friends & family, or entire neighborhood.
Comments
Thank you for this wonderful post!!!
It must be so hard to live like that. They do say that no one can screw you up like your parents. I was lucky in the two that I got but I know those who haven't been and your post is spot on.
Not that I have a bad family, I'm just guilty of not having inherited the brash temperament, zealousness and competitiveness. It's not like that's a BAD thing.
What a brilliant and inspiring post! Thanks once again. I've been in this situation only somewhat, but it's so easy to identify with.
This was really tough for me to read.
May I ask why?
I wonder what would make someone want to disappear like that.
The fascination of people, especially family, never ends.
That's certainly the truth to my mind.
I was lucky in the two that I got but I know those who haven't been and your post is spot on.
After reading your blog, I might know who you mean. He's lucky he has you. That's not a platitude.
But I know of people who are not that lucky and are mired in guilt caused by being a wonderful person in a barrel-full of snakes. I hope those people read posts like this.
Why aren't there more like it, is what I'm wondering? Even the advice columnists here in the US, at least, will sometimes encourage people to "be tolerant of family, if they can." As though it's the fault of the abused if they can't handle it. When I was teaching, if I'd given out that advice to pupils who came to me with horror stories, instead of reporting it to the child welfare authorities, some of them would be dead. (Sigh) What a sad world it is, sometimes.
For most people, including myself, that we are all extremists. We can either extremely hate or extremely love. Unfortunate, yet common, that the same would apply with our own family.
I'm not sure I quite follow this sentiment, but it sounds intriguing. Thank you for your comments, Mercy. They're appreciated.
Wonderful. While I did not write it specifically for you, you certainly did cross my mind and I'm glad it had a positive effect on you.
Not that I have a bad family, I'm just guilty of not having inherited the brash temperament, zealousness and competitiveness
I've been reading your comments and your posts at both blog sites for a while now and frankly, if I had choice between being the rest of your family or you, I'd pick you. Your sensitivity and ability to see things from everyone's perspective, as well as still making a strong statement about who you are without causing offence, is a gift. Savour it, don't regret it.
Although this post does not apply to me.. I have been blessed with a wonderful family that is full of unconditional love.. I have this woman in my life I have adopted as a 2nd mom. She is a wonderful family friend. She has a "luminous soul and a heart full of compassion" She is a wonderful person that my family can not get enough of. But her family.. they are just horrible to her. They tell her what a bad person she is and how she does a horrible job raising her kids. They constantly do things to her to sabotage their relationship with her. Afterwards, she calls me, crying and tells me about it.. and I just cry with her.. she says she is done with them and is never going to speak to them again. They reach out to her and she feels obligated. I am forwarding this blog to her as she will totally relate to it. Maybe then she will see in herself what me and my family see in her.
Life suckers
Terrific term. and I agree with your assessment of friends one hundred percent. Thanks for visiting. It's appreciated. : )
It's the fear of the unknown, whose door the "guilty" ones open and change their lives, that make our families to treat us this way. During high school and college, I have met many talented young men and women, full with passion for life, who were abused mentally or physically by their families and relatives. Some of them ended totally numb and succumbed to their injuries. Others moved on, but the hole in their hearts is still there; they have learned to live with it.
Approval from those who matter seems to be one of the most important factors of our actions, but sometimes self-approval is more than enough. We owe it to us to love who we are! We owe it to ourselves to take charge of our lives and move on. I know it's hard but we have to...So let's all be guilty; at least we know we have a heart.
It's the fear of the unknown, whose door the "guilty" ones open and change their lives.....Approval from those who matter seems to be one of the most important factors of our actions, but sometimes self-approval is more than enough. We owe it to us to love who we are! We owe it to ourselves to take charge of our lives and move on. I know it's hard but we have to...So let's all be guilty; at least we know we have a heart
llia, this is just really and truly wonderful. Thank you.
how'd you know?
i haven't talked to my father in almost 11 years.
life provides us with two choices...to let the past make us bitter...or let the past make us stronger. It took a long time...and I've still some work to do...but I have choose to become stronger. I can not control or change my past, but I can control how it affects my future.
I've never heard truer words and I commend you for adhering to them, though I know how hard it is. But, remember, you are a lovely person who deserves to be happy.
Because a lot of it really hits home for me.
The tough part is that explaining anything like this situation to most people, is an exercise in futility. They lack the frame of reference (or active listening skillset), to really understand what you are saying.
So, either you have experienced it yourself, or you are quite the listener and empathizer.
Kudos on that. Its a rare trait.
What you really deserved:
For Patricia.
(BTW, I'm not psychic. I knew you would appreciate this.)
I think most people are afraid to hear it, because many more than you can imagine have unresolved issues with their own parents. When you are honest about your situation, it makes them oddly envious, (for lack of a better word) that you've faced it and come to the conclusions you have to stay away and that you're brave enough to be honest about your feelings. Another reason (and I hope this isn't a politically-incorrect comparison), but to me,it's like the gay person who has the courage to 'come out' in to a society that still has very narrow norms. He's accepted, but he's still looked at differently. I.e- he' s not 'the bloke with blond hair,' when he's described, he's, 'the gay guy.' It's why so many prefer to keep the info to themselves. So, 'not talking to your parents' sets you apart, gives people too much to think about and makes them wonder who they are too deeply. It's about them, not you. Another factor is some ethnic groups, Jews, Greeks, Italians, to name three that I'm awre fo off the top of my head, still liken parents to demi-gods. When I was teaching, a teenage girl from India once fainted in gym class. It turns out she hadn't eaten in three days. Her father had commanded it, because she'd been disobedient. Even at school, where she was safe from his eyes, she followed his instructions to the letter. When the guidance counsellour tried to point out to her that this was child abuse, she vehemently defended her father and that the counsellour couldn't undestand because he was American and "Americans are not as close to their parents as other cultures are." Can you imagine? "Close."
As for being a 'listener and empathiser,' I'd love to take the credit, but if you read Ancora Impara's comment below yours on this post, you'll get more clues as to what promoted it, though I've never discussed it with him. He's the true 'listener and empathiser' today.
I wish you could feel confortable to tell them. It sounds like they love you and you love them, but that they have failings like every one of us. ( I am notorious for getting excited and emotional during conversations with my youngest son and sometimes, even with the older ones. My husband, Mr. Serene, calms me down, but you can't imagine how hard it is to control myself. And I really try, Toe-Knee. It seems the more important someone is to me, the more excitable I get over their actions, which to me, sometimes seem so self-destructive. But, I digress.)
Anyway,you are older now and they should be willing to learn from you. People stagnate if they remain ignorant, even if they are "better off" not knowing. Unless your parents are entrenched in their ideology, they should be open to, and even proud of the fact that their son might know a bit more than they do on many issues. And even if they aren't, they must learn to respect your opinions and differences. My biological son is going thorugh this thing with his dad right now that he feels it's better off to lie to his dad than hear his critiques. I say he should stand up for himself and what he believes in.(And example is what he wants to major in at university. he wonlt tell his father what itis when he asks. ) My son chooses the path of least resistance, and lies or avoids his father, who then calls me or sends me emails complaining about it,accusing me of 'stealing,' or warping his son with my 'American' ideas.(A charming situation which is one of the reasons I get so frustrated and excitable). Because the more my son does this, the wider the gap grows between him and his father. My son thinks he's avioding pain and troble, but he never talks to his father in any real way. After all, who wants to spend time with someone you have to lie to or pretend with, all the time, just to keep the peace? Isn't it better to show your hand and let them learn to respect you for who you are? They'll either respect you or not. But if they choose 'not,' your relationship is no worse ff than it is if it's not honest. And think of what you gain if they choose to respect you, instead. IMHO.
I actively avoid her rather than try to work out the differences. Perhaps your son feels the same way?
I'm very much afraid this might be the case.
I speculate that both you and your first husband are both very passionate individuals. And I imagine your son is the same way. So that's going to work against everyone
Brilliant guesswork, here, T.
any discussions are just going to be piling wood as the flames rise higher.
Amen.
The trick is of course to keep the fire in the hearth and keep it from spreading onto the carpet.
Amen again. Fire marshall had the department dig a trench around our place and CarpetsRUs stayed in business just from our contributions alone.
I'm sure you know something they agree on
(Sigh) they agree on disagreeing.....
And the blog is a wonderful idea, but my son is a musician and expresses himself through that medium. I think that's why I find all his pieces so evocative.....
Thanks for the thought-out comment. T. My VOX buddies are on a roll today with their kindness....
I think I can understand where you are coming from.
But too frequently, I meet people who are super close to their parents, and when I talk about my experiences ... they just dont get how it feels. In my life, I have only met 2 people who could just listen to it and not try to "fix it" with their worldview reasoning.
Overriding principle that I just want people of well adjusted families to understand:
"Anyone can be a father or a mother. But not everyone can be a Dad or a Mom."
Thanks for your positive thoughts. They're always appreciated =)
"Anyone can be a father or a mother. But not everyone can be a Dad or a Mom."
You are right. And you deserved much better, J. You truly did. But keep in mind the last paragraph of this post,yes? : )
Your friend,
Patricia
That is one of my mottos, seen first hand how people abandon their children.
This piece sounds like my sister and my wife to varying degrees. They both always sought approval of their mothers and sadly, never found it. My sister went to therapy for years and still does. My wife probably never will.
Oh, I was also going to add that it's amazing what oxytocin, or lack of it will do for you or to you.
Thank you for stopping by and for your comments.
Yes, a sad,but old story. Therapy can help, but even more important is the support of understanding friends, spouses and other family members, if any.
As for the oxytocin, can you elaborate? I know it helps form a bond between parent and child. Are some mothers lacking in it? That would explain a lot, wouldn't it?
I just had a look at the article. So, some would say that whether one mother can nurture or not has only to do with peptide levels. I agree that chemical balance is definitely a factor, but I also think there might be some environmental factors. How the mother was mothered herself would have some effect, too.
i may not be pretty, but i know i'm beautiful as a person. for that i celebrate.
" I may not be pretty."
I was sorry to read this part of your comment, for several reasons. The first is because I have seen what you look like and you are not only physically pretty, you are physically beautiful. You have lovely skin, hair, lips and eyes. So, first off, whoever told you you weren't pretty growing up completely LIED. Probably did so because they were either jealous of your beauty, or, if they were old fashioned, afraid that your knowing that you were beautiful would get you in some kind of 'female' trouble.
Whatever the case, it is a LIE. And I know that anyone who can see will agree with me.
The second thing is this- on the idea of pretty- today, in this day and age, pretty comes in so many forms. Not too long ago, women who looked liked Jennifer Lopez, say, would not have been considered pretty. Pretty women, models in particular, were all generically blonde, blue-eyed, tall, thin-lipped and thin-hipped. The first supermodel to change that was a woman named Janice Dickens in the 1980's. (google her) She had thick lips and very dark, exotic looks. Everyone not only told her she was UGLY, but they also said she could never become a supermodel. She laughed. Sure, enough, she was soon posing beside a very famous supermodel, the blonde-haired, blue-eyed Cheryl Tiegs. Dickens looked GORGEOUS next to Tiegs and set the traditional modelling world on its ear.
I can list all the very courageous women who changed the idea of beauty in the United States, simply by BELIEVING they were beautiful. That's all it takes. Beauty is the courage to be confident in your feminity and sexuality, beauty is the way you walk, the way you talk to others, the charisma you emote, the clothes you wear (rather than them wearing you) the shine of your hair, the scent of your skin and the fact that your focus is never on yourself,wondering how you look, but on others. Beauty is making others feel beautiful, while secretly knowing you are dazzling, too.
Beauty was defined by the Italian men and women I grew up, lovers of art, who saw a beauty in every woman. She could be fat, but they would only see her gorgeous hair. She could be skinny, but they would notice only her gorgeous smile. There is something about you that is physically perfect - I don't care if it's your big toe. Find it and focus on it. Build your beauty on it. If you have lovely hands, wear rings to draw attention to them, if it's your eyes, enhance them, if it's your teeth, SMILE. Ooze confidence and soon you will have other people admiring your beauty, wishing they looked like YOU. In fact, someone already knows how beautiful you are and worries about it. That person is the one who first said you were ugly and made you believe it. I will bet on it.
I had no confidence in high school and I remember being envious of a girl who was medically overweight, because she oozed confidence. She believed she was beautiful and therefore was. She had every boy drooling over her. I wanted to be beautiful...like her. I did not realise I possessed my own, individual beauty.
I know this comment does not address 'inner beauty and therefore it is politically correct. So be it. You needed to hear it. The fact is you are ONLY as beautiful as you feel, no matter what you look like.
As for the other inner beauty you mention. Yes, you have it. I have NEVER and I mean that, seen photographs as incredibly beautiful as yours. They are unique and they display an ability to find beauty everywhere. I love them, I wish I could buy and hang every one of them around my home.
Why haven't you used your astonishingly artistic, photographer's eye and found beauty on yourself? Why would you still believe something said to you so long ago? If your eyes can see the beauty you created in those photos, why can't you see and create that beauty on yourself, as you do with those photos? If you can't, it is because it's a wicked, magic mirror you are looking at yourself in, a mirror that's been poisoned by the unhappy, cruel words, stuck in your mind. Get those words out of your head and your mirror will be clear again. Then you'll see yourself for what you are.
When I was young, I was told all kinds of terrible things about myself, not only about what I looked like, but about the kind of person I was, by people who were supposed to be the ones who loved me most. For a while, I believed them and it affected me. But as soon as I was away from them,my mind cleared and I could see the truth. And I can see the truth about you, too.
It's time you saw it too, my dear. You are physically beautful. It's as simple as that.
therefore it is politically correct
Sorry- I meant "politically incorrect."
It's one of the strange qualities of my brain is that I read through many articles and retain that information. When new stuff is added, it begins to coagulate and coalesce with exisiting data to formulate these kinds of ideas, which then bear further research
This ability you describe is called 'strategic thinking. It is a skill that is disappearing quickly as we teach our children to memorise data, rather than gather facts and ruminate on possibilities based on them. I want to read the articles you point me to before I comment on them here. But, right now I have to go eat dinner with my husband. I'll be back later. ; )
*the fact is you only beautiful as you feel, no matter what you looks like* - mantra to live by...
=:O)
Dear Patricia - what an amazing post. One of my blog readers pointed me to it after I wrote a similar article. I have also shared it with my cousin who will get a huge kick out of this.. and I think some good healing too! She is the one you mention.
I love the way you wrote this. Funny, witty and oh so true! Great great great!
What other post did you write about it, Amberfire? I would love to read it - could you send me the link?
It's great to know you and you cuz got some good from this post, too. Thank you for telling me! : )
Mine isnt nearly as eloquent as yours... nor as witty..
http://amberfireinus.wordpress.com/2008/04/09/just-because-they-are-family-doesnt-give-them-the-right-to-abuse-you/
Wow... I hope you visit my blog often.. I know I intend to read your posts. I only moved to the Bay Area a year ago from London. Im still adjusting and trying to meet people. I actually live between SF and Sac. Close to Napa. I love it here. Green rolling hills, very peaceful.
I really enjoy reading what strong articulate women have to say. Im looking forward to reading more of your posts. :)
Well, welcome! Unfortunately we're not that near, I live in Marin County. However, Napa is soo lovely. I know it's hard to adjust to a new country, no matter how beautiful. our new area might be. I lived in Greece for seven years before we moved here. My advice is to give it some time- it takes closer to two years to really feel at home.
I will keep visiting your blog,too. But any time you post something you like especially, please send me a note, so I don't accidentally miss it. I am a fulltime writer and I have trouble keeping up with everyone as I'd like. My VOX neighbours accomodate me by sending me posts and I try trolling around the 'hood at least once a week,to catch up if I can....
Marin is not far at all!
As for blog posts I am proud of.... I have to say that I have just finished one that I am very proud of. Here ya go! http://amberfireinus.wordpress.com/2008/04/09/pope-aims-to-heal-sex-abuse-wounds-on-us-trip/
It is curious to me, that so many comments see a reflection of themselves
A very ithought-provoking comment. Thank you. I think people respond to it that way because so many people have experienced the feeling of isolation or emotional abuse from those who were supposed to love them most because they were "family." I guess if one hasn't been exposed to anyone who's experienced that, it probably seems very alien and peculiar. Sadly, though, too many people identify with it, because for them, it's too familiar. And, that is tragic, because all of the people who commented here, seem like genuinely kind, warmhearted people who deserved better. : (