Redefining "Sexy" One Man at a Time
My last post was directed to younger women. This one is for woman who are no longer so young. But it’s not for every older woman. It’s not for those who are divorced or single and very contentedly plan to stay that way. Kudos to those women who are happy in their single state. You know who you are and you rock, girls.
No, this post is for the over-forty, single woman who says that she wants to get married, or have a partner, but, “there are no nice men out there my age.”
To those women, I say, “You’re right.”
That is, if your definition of ‘nice,’ is, “looks like George Clooney, with a body like Brad Pitt, a sense of humour like Chris Rock, the money of Warren Buffet, the gentility of a Welsh prince, the intelligence of Stephen Hawkins and the fashion sense of Michael Kors. In that case, then, you are indeed right - there are no ‘nice’ men out there your age. In fact, by that standard, there are no men any age with any chance of pleasing you.
What’s going on? I’ve been running into forty to sixty-year-old females who are acting like little girls. They will reject a perfectly wonderful man because he’s bald, or short, or has an odd laugh. One intelligent woman I know even dismissed a man who was interested in her, only because she didn’t like the shirt he was wearing!
And here’s another rather drastic example. I recently met an attractive, 56-year-old woman, beautifully groomed and in great shape. But one thing that struck me as at odds with her obviously devoted beauty regimen was that she had a perpetual look of displeasure, because of two very deep grooves that started at either side of her nose and ran right down to her chin. Lines on a 56-year-old face are normal, but these frown lines were so entrenched, they’d had to be decades in the making. My supposition turned out to be accurate, when one of the first things she said to me was, “I’ve been married thirty-three years and I’ve hated every day of it. I just can’t stand my husband.”
She went on, “But, I can’t get a divorce. There are lots of reasons to stay married.”
That might be true, but she never explained what those reasons were. And she never explained why she couldn’t stand her husband. But later in the conversation I picked up some clues, when I happened to mention that my husband likes to eat peanut butter and graham crackers for lunch, every day.
“Every day?” she asked, already frowning. “Doesn’t that bother you?”
“Not at all,” I said, “I just buy very big jars of peanut butter and very large boxes of graham crackers.”
I thought she’d laugh, but instead, she frowned some more and those lines on her face got as deep as the Straits of Corinth. “How do you put up with that?” she asked, seriously. “That would really annoy me.”
Then I understood. This woman had spent the last thirty years trying to make her husband over into something he hadn’t been when she’d chosen him. So, naturally she was miserable. And I bet her husband’s life was no picnic, either.
In that one conversation, I learned everything I needed to know about her idea of marriage.
And sadly, she’s not the only one. Many women are expecting some idealised, stylised, made-up version of man to show up at their doors and be a reflection of the make-believe that they’ve been carrying around since they first saw Walt Disney’s Sleeping Beauty when they were children. And that’s why they’re sad and/or lonely. That man they’re waiting for was invented by romance novelists and Hollywood. The Johnny Depp they’re dreaming of is a phantasm who doesn’t exist.
That’s why, with all due respect, I simply have to say, “Wake up, Sleeping Beauty, because you’re missing something very big.”
Johnny Depp might be a perfectly fine human being, for all we’ll ever know, but when he’s working, he’s put together by make-up artists, a team of hair dressers and costume experts. His every move is choreographed by professionals and his every sentence is memorised from a script. If his leading lady is taller than he, they stand him on a box and the camera hides the fact that she’s crouching as she says her lines to him, while desperately trying to ignore the smell of onions on his breath from the sandwich he had at dinner break.
And yet, a real, live, breathing human male hasn’t got a chance against him with a woman who compares him to her sexual fantasies of chocolate-eating Irish gypsies, blind murderers in Mexico and pirates with bad teeth.
But a fantasy can’t hold you at night, talk over breakfast with you in the morning and grow old with you. A fantasy doesn’t listen when you talk about your dreams, your mother, your fears. A fantasy doesn’t trust you with his utmost vulnerabilities, see you as the most beautiful woman in the world.
My husband, the graham-cracker-eater, is not perfect, but he’s perfect for me. He tells me he has wrinkles, but I just can’t see them. I’m too focused on his gorgeous eyes. They reflect his joy of his everyday life with me, our children, his work, his hobbies. They glisten with compassion over the terrible things we read in the news. And at night, when we’re together, they shine like a boy’s, a boy who is unwrapping a gift he’s been waiting for all his life. With no offence to Johnny, because I love his movies, too, but I just don’t think he could pull that off every night in my bed, script or no script. Because Johnny is not in love with me, but my husband is.
Honestly? You know what I really wanted to say to Ms. Furrow-Face when she was so patently annoyed by peanut butter?
I wanted to ask her, “When was the last time you and you husband gave or received oral sex to each other and really relished it? Not just because you were horny, but because you were doing it with the one person in the world who makes you feel that nothing could possibly be better than this?”
But sadly, she’ll never feel that. Instead, she’ll spend the next thirty-three years forcing her poor sap of a mate to have a varying lunch menu every day of the week, because that’s what she thinks he should want.
Gosh, I sure hope she enjoys those lunches. And I guess, I’ll just enjoy the screaming orgasms my husband happily provides me at least four times a week. I hope those last another thirty years, too. But when they stop and it’s time for my life to end, I really, truly hope I die in his arms, with our children around me.
Knowing that he’d be there for me, till the very last, well, that’s what’s sexy to me.
Ladies who are looking for love, please listen to me - sexy, nice men are everywhere. They’re short, they’re bald, they’re old, they’re young, they’re fat, they’re skinny, they’re smart and not-so-smart, well-dressed and badly-dressed, straight and gay. They’re construction workers or business men. They’re even posting on VOX.
To illustrate, I will outline a partial list of men here, in alphabetical order, who, if I were not already in love, or if I were younger, or older, or living in their country, or if they weren’t already attached to some other lucky (and very smart) woman, I’d make a beeline for. And no matter what shirt he’s wearing, or what he eats for lunch, I’d find him sooo attractive, just because he’s HIM:
1. Ancora Impara
2. Baria
3. BlackJavaBean
4. Crowseer
5. Himanshu Gupta
6. IlliasK
7. Jack Yan
8. Jayd
9. Kirk
10. Paxton
11. Petermcc
12. Phillhellene
13. R.G. Ryan
14. Snowy
15. Steve Betz
16. Toe-Knee
Why did I pick these sixteen men? Not because they’re pirates on a dead man’s ship. Just read their blogs and their comments on other people’s blogs, and you’ll know why. They’re compassionate, passionate, family-loving, smart, sincere, insightful. They say kind things, have a world outlook, are productive human beings and caring friends. In short, “SEX BOMBS,” every last one. And there’s more where they came from, if we only look away from our movie screens and novels and out in to the real world.
_____________________________
DISCLAIMER: Don’t get upset because I’m directing this post to only my sex. I know there are foolish men out there, too, who make the same mistakes when they’re looking for a woman to love. In fact, I divorced one of them.
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Patricia, you sure know how to make a guy feel good about himself. Thank you so much for including me in your list!
I think movies and TV have definitely altered our perception of what a good mate is, male or female. All of us have this idealized version of what we think we should want, and overlook a lot of quality around us because of it.
Excellent insights!
Whu!? Well, bless you for that... and, ditto, naturally.
Meanwhile, having just watched an indie film called My First Mister this evening, I was reflecting on how much I prefer indie romantic comedies, featuring slightly weird or mis-matched main characters. Amelie is another great example... Secretary a fairly extreme example... but the point is that they're about people with genuinely sad, sometimes rather broken lives, who can still meet and make a connection, despite their annoying personal flaws. Then I come down here and find a post so eloquently laying it all out there, which is a lovely synchronicity!
Of course, I'm probably as shallow as the woman you mentioned above, at times. We all buy into the air-brushed myths a little bit. But hopefully I'm learning to fight against that as I get older... to be less judgemental. Hopefully.
During the time that Karin and I were dating, I acquired a sebaceous cyst just above my right cheekbone, very near my eye. By the time I had it surgically removed, it was about the size of a shooter marble (or a first-gen computer mouse ball, to those born before 1980). It never bothered Karin. She loved me and when she looked at me, she may have seen the cyst, but failed to acknowledge it because she was actually looking at me. It's difficult to see the blemishes on a person's face when you're continually looking deep into their eyes.
Love is blind? Yeah, but only to the superficial things in which it has no interest.
I of course meant after 1980. Ugh.
All of us, no matter what our age, are being bombarded by ads and society in general to not look or act our true age whether it's 18 or 77.
We all need to focus more on the personality of the guy we're dating/married to/looking for instead of our ultimate fantasy. How else are we going to achieve happiness in that area?
Oh, and thanks for the compliment. From someone who I admire very much, that is most appreciated. Your husband is a lucky man. But he already knows that, doesn't he.
Hah -- Patricia, you flatter me -- thank you! (I think its been a long time since I've blushed at the computer, but you got me...)
Its funny though -- in today's society, there's such a sense of expectation -- perfect body, perfect face, perfect cocktail party conversation, perfect car, etc. etc. Its no wonder that people go a little crazy trying to live up to that hype -- no one can.
It took me a LONG time to be comfortable with myself as a person, who I am, what I believe, what my goals are -- too long by far. And in no way am I done, but I know enough now to listen, compare and make choices for myself -- and separate all the chaff that society throws at us.
Now, if I could just get girls to stop mistaking me for Clooney... ;)
some people have such ridiculous expectations of what they think "perfect" and "sexy" should be...
i don't know all the men on your list, there, but the ones i DO know on your list, i will definitely agree with you. they certainly are sexy. each in their own way. :)
And I think that men and women fall into the same trap: we all hope for the images and stereotypes we grow up with in books, magazines, movies and TV shows. We're sold a very unrealistic version of the opposite sex, and only after years in the trenches do you realize that all humans, especially those you choose to spend years of your life with, are full of contradictions, flaws, quirks....AND surprises, adventures, and beautiful hidden treasures. Those who can't readjust their vision of what the opposite sex should be suffer a lot more from unfulfilling relationships.
I am afraid I don't agree with all your points. The bald, the short, the "shirt" thing - that was just because there was no chemistry and those are the metaphors we use to verbalise that there was no "zing". If there is chemistry then all that just fades away and is not noted in the first place.
I know there are lots of great guys out there, but I believe that it is becoming more difficult for people to "meet". There is less of a sense of community and community socialising now, we cocoon more. If you are a professional woman your position can be daunting to a man. It is easier for men to marry "down", it is traditional, than for women to marry down - it has been enculturated that relationships should be to equal or "better" social position. It is hard for these norms to be overthrown.
What if your husand, every single day, stood in the middle of the kitchen and said "where would I find the graham crackers and the peanut butter?" like a bewildered guest even though they had been kept inthe same place for 33 years?
If he ate the graham crackers in the living room and there were crumbs all over the couch and the floor, and oil marks from the peanut butter on the arms of the chair. He also triple dipped the communal peanut butter and left the open jar on the floor next to his chair - every day for 33 years? You see there are degrees of annoying. If you had a housekeeper who cleaned the mess it would obviously worry you less than if you were the hand servant!
It is just those little things that you think are quaint, or quirky that grow into monsters over the years. The woman mentioned in your blog obviously has a very different term of refernce to yours. Is your truth my truth. kind of thing...
As always, you make great points with keen insight.
Honestly, I am more than flattered to be included on your list. I respect and admire you greatly.
But lets be real here. If I rightfully earned a spot on that list - I cannot take the entire credit. Women like you help make the men on your list.
You inspire us. Motivate us. Strengthen us.
(and tolerate us too ;))
So thank you.
Have a wonderful night/day :)
It's been a few years since I scored a sex bomb rating. In fact, this is probably a first.
It's interesting to think about how folk score their partner. I witnessed a sorry excuse for a human being shouting at his partner in an open office environment and couldn't believe how insulting he could be. It was pretty obvious he regarded his wife as his personal possession. I thought slavery was long gone in Oz but obviously not. I can't imagine how he could open his inner self to his wife or her to him. Marriage must be a kind of status symbol. I got the distinct impression she could hit the exit if a better offer came along.
I'm grateful for being able to spend my life with a walking, talking, thinking person who often gives me insight into how others think. Currently we are really enjoying out trip around Australia. Just the 2 of us. It's such good fun I'm thinking I should call it a laughing tour around Oz.
I used to think I was lucky that as we have grown older, we appreciate the same things but these days I think it's the result of respecting the other person's view and finding interesting things in the other person's ideas.
And to think I owe it all to an arranged marriage. Well, a virtual one. My Dutch Grandmother set us up quite shamelessly by inviting us to her 40th wedding anniversary as the only single people. Against all odds we were seated opposite one another too. Innocent lad that I was, I didn't twig immediately.
I hope some lost souls heed you advice and learn to enjoy potential partners for their uniqueness.
Well, thank you for your well though-out comment, Flamingo,. I appreciate it and you bring up some interesting points that I really didn't address in this post. For example, it might be true for many women to use a metaphor for 'no zing' but in the instances I described here- the shirt, for example, it really was just the shirt. I know this, because the woman I'm discussing was logged onto to a dating website and the man she was looking at had left his photo, along with a very nice letter to her. She liked the letter,she thought his photo was fine, she deleted his profile simply because of his shirt. She thought a man would pick such a hideous shirt was not a man she could date.
"If you are a professional woman your position can be daunting to a man. It is easier for men to marry "down", it is traditional, than for women to marry down - it has been enculturated that relationships should be to equal or "better" social position. It is hard for these norms to be overthrown."
Yes, it is hard for these norms to be overthrown. But I hope they can be as we grow older. A woman who has worked hard, a professional woman who has accrued say, a healthy bank statement, my thoughts are bravo for her, It's something to be proud of. But who do you leave it all to when you die? Why not make some great man a rich man? Men have been doing it for women for centuries. Maybe a fifty-year-old woman worked really hard, maybe a nice fifty-year -old man tried to pursue a career in music, say. It didn't work out and now he has an ordinary nine-to-five job. He's not a slacker or a leech, he's just not rich. What if he were terrific in every othere way? What if he, say, rubbed your feet when you came home at night, listened and sympathised to what a crappy day you'd had, made you great meals? Would you turn down that guy just because of outdated social mores? We might do that when we're twenty, but I hope when were fifty, we've earned the right to bend the rules a little. I'd rather leave my money to a man I loved than to nieces and nephews who were maybe just waiting for "old maid auntie" to drop dead. But an average guy might get overlooked, because we're still following the same old rules from when we were young.
Here's your next point:
What if your husand, every single day, stood in the middle of the kitchen and said "where would I find the graham crackers and the peanut butter?" like a bewildered guest even though they had been kept inthe same place for 33 years?
If he ate the graham crackers in the living room and there were crumbs all over the couch and the floor, and oil marks from the peanut butter on the arms of the chair. He also triple dipped the communal peanut butter and left the open jar on the floor next to his chair - every day for 33 years?
What you're describing here is not a quirk- you're describing someone who is uninvolved in his household and inconsiderate to boot. I wouldn't tolerate that. I can however, tolerate a man minding his own business eating whatever he'd like to eat for lunch. My husband makes own his peanut butter and graham crackers, puts them on a napkin, not a plate, so they'll be no spills and cleans up his own mess. The woman I spoke to - her objection was that he chose to eat the same thing every day. . To her, it wasn't "normal." It was a habit she thought I should "fix." She also objected to the fact that another woman's husband likes to use only one brand of soap. She thought that was something that needed to be fixed, too. Clearly she had a mindset of what a man should and shouldn't like to do. In short, she was bossy and obnoxious.
Iknow there are lots of great guys out there, but I believe that it is becoming more difficult for people to "meet". There is less of a sense of community and community socialising now, we cocoon more
I go to a local gym five times week. The place is crawling with nice, eligible, single men. None are perfect, but some are pretty great and many of them are looking for a nice woman. But I only know that they're there because I get out there and talk to them. In fact, I introduced one woman to one of them and they've been dating for several months now.
From your blog you sound pretty great yourself. I don't know if you're looking for a companion, but if you are, I only suggest you think about what I wrote as a possible alternative to some of the things we learned as very young women.
I know when I was young, chemistry was crucial. I've found as I've grown older chemistry can develop, if the man has all the qualities I think are important. When we're young, the chemistry comes first, and that' where I think people get themselves shackeled to someone who won't suit them in the long run.
But again, these are only my personal feeligns and thoughts.
But lets be real here. If I rightfully earned a spot on that list - I cannot take the entire credit. Women like you help make the men on your list.
You inspire us. Motivate us. Strengthen us.
(Sigh) See what I mean? This statement is only one very good reason you're on the list! ; )
after years in the trenches do you realize that all humans, especially those you choose to spend years of your life with, are full of contradictions, flaws, quirks....AND surprises, adventures, and beautiful hidden treasures. Those who can't readjust their vision of what the opposite sex should be suffer a lot more from unfulfilling relationships.
I know it's because you think like this, that you're making such a success of being a life partmer and a stepmother. When you get to feeling again that you're not going to be a good mum because you don't think you want to breastfeed, I say, please remember your words here. You bring better qualities to the table of your motherhood than just a 'wet boob'. Your newborn will never miss it because he/she will have so many other gifts from you.
Hey, Pax, I'm just getting back into the VOX swing of things. I haven't been over to see you in a while. I hope to stop by tomorrow and see how the play is going. As for the rest, you had to know you'd be on my Top Sixteen Sexy List. ; )
It is true that there are Peter Pans who never grow up in both sexes.
As for the rest, though you probably don't know this, my husband reads your blog whenever I tell him you've got something posted I know he'd be interested in. When I -uhem- "happened" to mention to him you said he was a lucky man, he replied. "Snowy is right, as usual." :D
All very true - and no not looking for a man - I have been married to a short, bald man with bad dress taste for 31 years! In your example the shirt is creating the brand, it is part of the communication process - what else do you have at that stage to go on - it is the same thing that makes someone walk across the gym. The reason why women spend so much money on clothes, why we worry about how we look on our blog pages. We have 40 seconds to make an impression - it works for some it doesn't for others, move on.If there is time to go beyond that good and well, because perhaps one will move beyond the purely physical,
Of course, I'm probably as shallow as the woman you mentioned above, at times. We all buy into the air-brushed myths a little bit. But hopefully I'm learning to fight against that as I get older... to be less judgemental. Hopefully.
I think we do and should as we get older, hopefully. Which is the point of the post, of course.
During the time that Karin and I were dating, I acquired a sebaceous cyst just above my right cheekbone, very near my eye. By the time I had it surgically removed, it was about the size of a shooter marble
Okay, but what were you eating for lunch when you and Karin were dating? That's the really important thing. (Hee hee- joking, of course)
"...aren't looking for a husband but are looking for some lump of clay to form into the man they want..."
I've seen far too many women and men try to do this to their spouses. I think it might be a top reason some marriages can't last.
As for the compliment, how could I not include a man who cares so much about so many things, including his sisters?
"...well, it takes two "
Amen to this. I wonder what he's thinking, but I guess they're both getting something out of it. Whatever it might be.
Now, if I could just get girls to stop mistaking me for Clooney...
Yes, that's a problem for George. He whines about that a lot. ;D
Your third paragraph about it taking so long to be who you are? I feel that way, too. I also feel not quite 'done'. I wonder if that's a life-long feeling?
Great, wonderful, sexy, loving, kind, compassionate, caring, men come in all forms, as do women
Very true. Thanks for stopping by, friend!
It's been a few years since I scored a sex bomb rating. In fact, this is probably a first.
Why? Do they use another term for 'sex bomb' in Australia? ; )
Peter, the comments you made about your wife and your marriage, not to mention the story behind your meeting was just lovely. I'm going to read this to my husband tonight. I hope you read it to your wife, because I know she'll appreciate it. On day I'd love to read more details of that 40th anniversary party and your first meeting on one of your clever posts.
Continue to enjoy your trip. It sounds wonderful.
I am not sure what to say about being included on this list. I have to tell you that it is 9am on Easter Monday and I have stubble like Fred Flintstone, breath like a dragon and the complexion of a sandpapered neanderthal and because of you I feel FANTASTIC!!!!
Hats off to you and all the girls in the world. We love you too!!!!!
You see? It's the dragon breath that we women love. Dragons are such incredible creatures. All that size, those scales, the wings and don't forget the fire. LOL
Seriously, it's lots of stuff you've said in the past that's convinced me you're a top notch fellow. The comment you made the other day about never noticing how fat a woman's thighs were, for example. And some of your posts talking about how much you care about your friends and your work. All combined, it's pretty darn great.
I have to agree you have a very logical point here. As with many of the things I write, I personalise to my own experiences. I was upset about that incident in particular because the woman in question is one of my dearest, most lovely friends and I think the shirt thing was an excuse on some levels not to give someone a chance, because she's been hurt before. And I guess I also feel that the older we get, the less a shirt should mean. But, sadly- first impressions do matter more than they should and it was a pretty horrendous shirt. : )
BTW- Is it true what they say about bald, short men? ; ) (Just teasing, don't answer that)
Your comment hit a nerve on something else I'm trying to work out about another person who was very dear to me. Do you mind if I ask you why you say the following:
Theres not a thing or drug or psychologist who can help someone in their state of mind
Why do you thin these people can't get help on their mental state? I'd really like to know what you think, if you have a moment.
Oh, my gosh, there's your first misdirection already. If you're like so many other loving parents I know, you'll never sort it out. You'll always second-guess your decisions, even when your children are grown. Everyone will be critical of your parenting style, most especially you. When the kids grow and you're all sitting around the dinner table, one will bring up an incident you thought was tiny and you'll learn it was life-changing for him or her. The things you thought about long and hard before you acted, they might not even remember. As one mother told me many years ago, you might as well do what you truly want, what you truly think is best, because there will always be someone who thinks you didn't do what you 'should' and there is never a 'right way' to parent. There's a lot of truth to that.
I just met one mother on the plane coming home from New York who was told that her child might have signs of early autism. I kind of wonder if we were meant to be seated near one another, because I am an educator and worked with all sorts of learning challenged children. The child in question was on the plane with her. If he had early signs of autism, I look like Uma Thurman. It turns out the 'expert' she'd talked to had never met a bilingual child before. Bilingual children have different learning aquistions schedules than monolingual children. The irony is the mother herself was an educator. She knew on many levels her son wasn't autistic and yet, she stopped teaching him his second language because another person has advised her to. This is the sort of fear we mothers share and it can make us indecisive, thinking one thing is wrong when something entirely different might be the problem. Or not.
Pp- you're in for the ride of your life. It's a wonderful, but crazy ride. Take a deep breath, put on your seatbelt and enjoy it. The most important thing to remember is that children are a lot more resilient that we give them credit for and they'll spring back from a lot of parenting 'disasters' if they know we love them as they are. If we do that for them, they'll love us right back, warts and all. That's really all there is to it when you get down to it. I'd love other mothers and fathers to weigh in on this....
I have dated a couple of women who earned a better living than I do. I have also dated women taller than me (before she donned heels!).
Neither are really a problem, until one of you *makes* it a problem. There are countless ways to do it - and they vary depending upon the individual.
I would like to point out something in this comment that really needs to be stressed because its there, subtly between the lines.
Breaking norms doesnt just stop at financial status. It encompasses everything.
Women can and should approach guys. Women can and should ask guys out. And this should happen more regularly in our "progressive" society. If for nothing else than to gain a greater sense of empathy for the other sex.
I can tell you right now - when a woman makes the first move, I find it extremely attractive. It says something good about her character. And for the record, not only will I never say "no" to a woman who asks me to dance, I will never turn down a woman who asks me out.
Cause I know whats its like to make that move. And I like to give people chances. Because its only a small bit of time in my life. And usually, the worst that happens is a funny story.
Ahh- flirting.
There's something about flirting that's so much fun.Especially if it's done innocently, with no thoughts of treading on anyone's feet. I think because my husband is so shy he brings out the 'flirt' in so many women. Women have flirted with him right in front of me (but never in an offensive way.) I love to tease him about it later. So far, at least, I've never felt the flirt was directed more at making me feel bad, which is something that I know some women and men do as a 'power' thing.
I flirt, too, but I'm careful about it, because I hang out at a gym about five days a week and I wouldn't want men there to get the wrong idea that I'm out on the prowl or something. There's a line that some men and women try to cross when they're being flirted with and it's always a test to see how far the 'flirt' will go. As in- "Is she(he) really interested in me or is this just for fun?" There are also some men you just know you can't flirt with, because they would take it all worng and it would be not a good result if they did.
Still, overall, flirting is like cut flowers. One of life's little pleasures. : )
I agree with everything you've written here. How nice it is to see it all in print, written by a man. I especially liked:
I never say "no" to a woman who asks me to dance, I will never turn down a woman who asks me out.Cause I know whats its like to make that move. And I like to give people chances.
That's just fab.
You need to start an advice column. Or write another book! :-)
the truth is men are just as insecure about their bodies as women are. We are more similiar than different, even if we are a little different due to different levels of certain hormones.
I have met both men and women who suffer from an idealized version of a mate in their heads that prevent them from loving another. It is truly a way to avoid intimacy, to hold out for perfection that doesn't exist.
Lucy
It is truly a way to avoid intimacy, to hold out for perfection that doesn't exist.
I agree, Lucy. Thank you for coming by and leaving this comment.
I didn't include younger women because when I was young, I just know I wouldn't have understood or cared to hear this perspective. There are so many things that are vitally important when you're twenty that aren't when you're forty.
I am struggling with what that woman's husband gets out of that marriage and what she does as well. A couple very close to me lived like that for a long time in mutual misery What did they benefit? I'd really like to know if it's fear that keeps them together or something other....
Hello, Patricia -
This is Johnny Depp writing to you. I joined VOX specifically so I could leave you this comment. You have used me as an example in your posts twice now, once in this post and again here. Both times seem a bit negative and harsh to me, which leads me to think that perhaps you don't like me very much. That disappoints me, because I'm a big fan of your work.
I just needed to know, Patricia - what do these 16 other men have that I don't? Not only that, why are you so certain I couldn't satisfy you in bed?
In addition, though I've been known to miss a bath or two, I don't eat onions on my sandwiches. If any of the actresses I've worked with told you that, they were telling stories, Patricia, and you shouldn't have believed them. Not only that, I'm 5' 9". Not the tallest, but not so short to need to stand on a box. Besides, both my mother and Vanessa have told me size doesn't matter. I certainly hope you agree with them and are not as shallow as the women you write about in this post.
With respect,
John Christopher Depp
Hi Patricia. I pity that 56 y/o woman you met miserable with her marriage. Makes me think of my mom and dad and why they ever got back together when I was younger. When I think of it now that I am older, it really was a bad idea because I don't think they are truly happy.
I am lucky even if my husband isn't the richest or most handsome man in the world. His being kind, patient, understanding is what I love about him. He wants us to enjoy life even if we don't have that much. I accept him with all his quirks even if it takes extra effort on my part. We're not perfect and they say that to be happy in a marriage is something you have to work on daily and we do.
Dear 'John:'
You can imagine it was quite a surprise opening my inbox and getting a message from you. And what a message. I think perhaps you've misunderstood, I have nothing against you at all. You are probably a wonderful person, but I guess I just don't know you well enough. Now that you're a member of VOX, I'll be sure to read your blog and acquaint myself with you. I'm so glad you're a fan of my work. ; )
Hi, Nikki. It's a coincidence that you should say that, because that woman reminded me of my own mother, too. She was not a happy person and she stayed married to my father, with whom she was always annoyed. I never understood their relationship, but I have seen so many like that, where a spouse is treated badly because he or she is 'unsatisfactory' to the other partner. Yet,somehow, they both want to stay together. I don't know what they get out of it and I never will, I guess.
The trick to dealing with idiosyncrosies and imperfections is to remember that we have our own, too and also that the good should always outweigh the bad in our own minds. Whenever I am frustrated with my husband, first I think of all the times I frustrate him with my bad habits. Then I think of all the other things he does that I love. After I do both those things, if I'm still upset enough about whatever it is, I will tell him. Otherwise, if I'm calmed and have put it into perspective, I just let it go. I find if I don't confront him on every little issue, the ones I do approach him with, he takes very seriously. I also keep in my heart that he wants to please me, not annoy me and so I'm careful to say what is bothering me without making him feel like he he's a bad person.. It took me a while to learn that men get defensive not necessarily because they think they are right, but because they think they failed their mates.
But apparently I failed to do that with Johnny Depp because he wrote me a comment telling me that I hurt his feelings by talking about him in this post. I am not joking. The comment is hilarous and I wish I knew who really wrote it.
So true. I had lunch with a 55 yo friend this w/end and she was talking about the guy she has been seeing - he came and stayed while she was in hospital, he does this, he does that - all good, kind & considerate things..... but then came .. "but he has a big nose and is way overweight and doesn't want a 9 to 5 job, so it's not going to last". Wow! It seemed to me that all the positives she was mentioning way outweighed those 3 - but not in her mind. A little sad - as I think she will be waiting a long time for a man who has everything she wants.
BTW - I went through my entire school life K-12 having the exact same lunch every day and have spent the last 20+ years having the same breakfast everyday. Perhaps my astro-dweeb found me scientifically interesting! .....
Thank you. I feel better knowing that I'm not "alone"; that there are other people going through the same things I am and that in more ways I am lucky.
Uhm, is he really Johnny Depp?
Actually you did the same for me, made me feel that I'm not alone. My mother and father's marital and personal unhappiness spread like poison throughout our house growing up.They channeled their energies outward, trying to dictate their children's lives, instead of working on their own relationship. It tainted my siblings and my relationship with them, a tragedy which continues to this day. I have come to a point in my life where I sincerely believe that unhappiness, jealousy and discontent is a preferred choice for some people. It seems to fuel them. It bothers me less and less as I grow older, but the way I was raised, and the way my parents lived and taught us to be, is always a niggling part of who I am. I chose not to be unhappy, and you know what? That's the thing I wasn't forgiven for. In order to make unhappy people 'happy' you have to be just as miserable as they are. They can't stand to see someone more content than they are. They are like emotional vampires. Don't feel sad about it, just live your life and choose to be happy as much as you can. And stay as emotionally uninvolved as possible from people like that, even if they are your relatives. Choose to be wth people who lift you up, encourage you and just appreciate the gift of breathing, seeing, doing. That's my unsolicited advice for what it's worth.
The woman you describe sounds like one of those women who wouldn't even be happy if the fantasy version of Johnny Depp existed and she bagged him.
My God. This is TOO true. I never thought of it. Well, that explains a lot, doesn't it?
About the loo roll - I've lived with so many males and I've come to believe that testosterone blinds them to that cardbord cylinder just hanging there, naked. I have a bowl cleaner in my toilet which has a handle on it. On the handle I put an extra roll of paper, unwrapped, so that if they ever happen to glance over and see it on there, they might- might, mind - replace the old one. Men and their toilet paper replacement aversion is one of the big mysteries of life, right up there with where do we go after we die and how did the universe really form.
Of course, we know in our hearts that in addition to all his other fantastic qualities, Johnny D. always replaces the loo paper. And now that he's writing to me, I'm going to ask him how he learned to do that. ; )
Now that I think of it, I eat the same thing for breakfast every day, most days. My husband wouldn't even dream of telling me I shouldn't. And,strangely, I really enjoy eating the same thing, look forward to it every morning, in fact.
One argument in your friend's favour- severely overweight can be a serious health issue and a sign of addictive, compulsive tendencies. Not that he wouldn't be a wonderful partner, but those factors and the idea that he doesn't want to work, are two things that seem more vital then what we eat every day. How does he support himself? I think those are reasonable questions for her to be asking, The last thing one wants at the age of fifty-five is to be a caretaker for someone who isn't carrying his fair share of responsibilities. But, this is just another perspective.
BTW- I read your post,'Perish or Die' last night outloud to myhusband. I'm coming over thereas soon as I finish her and leave a comment.
I must have hit the man lottery. My husband puts down the seat, changes the empty roll, and cleans the darn thing! I don't remember the last time I cleaned a toilet. And, yes, he does lots of other household chores too. If it's all really just a dream, please, don't wake me up! 8:-)
Whooo-hoo! Now that's SEXY! Now I'm really turned on. I think I'm going to have to drag my husband out of his office and do a little fantasy roll playing. Get it- "Roll" playing. Heehee! Yes, you are indeed a lucky woman, QFB! Bless you for it!
Hmmm....I didn't take the post about you as negative - just that you are an individual - and there are no copies - so for others not to expect their significant others to be Johnny Depp - they are who they are.
Well, thanks for clearing me up on that, Just Me. What can I say? I guess I'm just a sensitive sort of guy. My feelings get hurt kind of easily.
JCD
I always take proper care of the the roll, and the seat. Learned behavior from living with women. Except I also put the lid down too. Learned behavior from living with cats.
Lets face it, although it is really funny to hear "Sploooosh! Meeyeerowww! Scratchscratch parumpumpumpumpumph..." coming from the other room - the humor evaporates when you realize that there is toilet water being stampeded across your house.
And there is nothing amusing about an enraged woman due to your lack of bathroom etiquette. Nothing. (thats Avoidance Values in effect right there).
Oddly enough I have dated a string of women who embody a lot of male stereotypes. So I completely empathize with you when I am thinking, "You left one sheet?! The replacements are *right there*. Waitaminute. I just replaced that yesterday. What are you doing in there, exactly? And dont give me that Makeup nonsense, I just bought you some cotton balls last week."
Then I just laugh. Cause its all just funny stupid stuff to me.
Actually, I'm exaggerating for literary effect. My husband replaces paper, too, bless his heart. Teenage sons (and/or daughters, probably) a different story. Too embroiled in their lives to think about toilet paper.
The cat story was funny. And now that you mention it, women do use a lot more paper than men do. Another mystery of the sexes.
It's the "as usual" mentioned twice that's got me worried. I feel you might have an erroneous impression of me. I wish I knew the stuff I'm writing about now at age 52, when I was age thirty. I stayed in a marriage for twenty years that was hurtful, for so many foolish reasons. Those are years I can't get back. I let people hurt me badly and I took it stoically, only because they were related to me. People who felt they had a right to be jealous of me were deliberately slanderous and I let them get away with it, out of some squeamish sense of altruism that did no one any good. I didn't invest my money properly. I quit a very good job. I fell in love with a man's looks, rather than his soul. I made mistakes with my children and I continue to make mistakes. Then, when I figure it all out in HINDSIGHT, G, only then do I write about it and everyone says "you're so wise." Hah!
I wish.
Lookee here - I even offended Johnny Depp without meaning to. ; )
Oh - actually he is an "entrepreneur" who flits from venture to venture but, who seems to do quite well (owns 2 houses, nice car etc). I think my friend wants to just fit him into a mould - maybe a 9-5 would be more secure in her mind, but these days that is not necessarily so here. Have not seen a photo of him so don't know how overweight he is - she is super critical of herself so maybe he is not too bad. I am starting to think that really she likes being on her own but won't actually admit that to anyone - there has been a long stream of perfectly acceptable men......
I have a 60 yo friend who is quite happy to be on her own and has a "gaggle" of men friends for outings to the Opera, movies, dinner etc. She has no interest in letting anyone back into her life full time - she quite happily says that she would rather go to bed with a good book than a man.
I have a woman friend just like that. In fact, I think the "I don't like his shirt," gal is one of them, too. They say they want to meet someone because I think they fell it's the norm or something, but in reality they want to stay single. Why not just admit that? Is it a crime?
Hehe, But, of course, Steph! ; )
I must have hit the man lottery. My husband puts down the seat, changes the empty roll, and cleans the darn thing! I don't remember the last time I cleaned a toilet. And, yes, he does lots of other household chores too. If it's all really just a dream, please, don't wake me up! 8:-)
Noooooo!!! I thought my bloke was quite impressive with his regular use of the vacuum cleaner and the fact that he empties the dishwasher but now you've shattered my illusions with your man who cleans toilets!! Life will never be the same again.
"The cat story was funny. And now that you mention it, women do use a lot more paper than men do. Another mystery of the sexes. "
In our house it's the other way round. My husband uses yards of the stuff. I'm sure that the minute I leave the house in a morning he wraps himself entirely in it, like a big, loo-roll mummy and runs round the house giggling till it's time for him to go to work. It's the only explanation I can come up with for the fact he uses reams of roll.
"...but now you've shattered my illusions with your man who cleans toilets!! Life will never be the same again."
Yes, (sigh) the Queen's revelations have crushed many a happy union in the last few days. My inbox is overflowing with laments from distraught wives...
My inbox is also overflowing with inquiries as to whether I think the actor, Johnny Depp, really wrote to me. This last bit is not a joke. And, really, why would anyone doubt it?
I know you mean this comment sincerely and I thank you for leaving it. But let's examine this carefully. First of all, I am more than certain the actor Johnny Depp did not stop by, happen to read my post, then join VOX just to leave me that comment. It is only a joke and a very clever one and that is how I am responding to it. If every high profile, famous person stopped to respond to every article,post, remark made or wirtten about him or her, they wouldn't have time for anything else. So I am making the guess that it is for sure not Johnny Depp who left comments here.
It's sweet that you write such kind things, but remember that you have only read what I have written about myself in my profile and on my websites. If I were to leave my profile writing to somene who didn't have as of an high opinion of me as I do of myself,(my ex-husband, say,) it would read very differently. So, I respectfully suggest to you that maybe it's not a good idea to make such wonderful judgments of me just based on those items you've read, as kind as they are and as much as I enjoyed reading them here.
Also, I so very much appreciate that you like my writing. But my written thoughts come from being a human being, who has made mistakes like every other human being. I've done some good things, yes, but I've also done some bad things. When people write their resumes or profiles, they don't include their mistakes or failings. I have many.My talent is in being able to express myself through words, which is why I was first an English teacher,then a writer. Other people have other talents. Some work in rescue as you did, some become artists or musicians or construction workers. But having one particular talent does not make one person a better person than another. Do you agree, my friend?
Come on, wouldn't we all like to think that it WAS Johnny Depp that answered. I guess we will never know for sure - maybe - maybe not. :-)
I have to quote a great song from a band I love ...
"We've all been sorry. We've all been hurt. But how we survive ... is what makes us who we are."
And, for another take, I ask that you consider the philosophies of the Pronoid. Specifically that maybe you should revel in the concept of Chiaroscurofy.
Either way, it's a damn good post.
I tend not to worry too much about how others see my relationships as long as I'm happy in them...
I applaud you for this.
28? It's hard to tell that from your 'photo.' (hee hee)
(He does, but you wouldn't want him.) 8:-)
Hmmmm. Sounds intriguing...
And PS... no disrespect to the others on your list (I don't most of them) but I definitely have to agree with you where Paxton and Illiask are concerned. Those two, they are what I think men should aspire to.
Faaaantastic!
Thank you, for helping to dispell the mythic idea that "all men are bad/all women are bad".
-I was speaking to my friend Michelle, and she invited me to come read this. -I'm glad she did! -It restores some of the hope I have in humanity, and that some of us REALLY DO have a human streak in us! -Despite our occasional small mistakes.
-A very nice writing indeed!
Thank you for this! -I think it made my night.
-Would you mind sending me a copy of this post?
Yes, we are. -We were chatting on the IM last night, when she gave me this link, and said "go check it out!"
On the top of your post, there's a button that says "share". -Add my address, and then send. (darkknightingale.vox.com)
Would you mind being added to my neighborhood? -If you think like this ALL the time, then you'd be a very nice addition to my neighborhood, along with the likes of Strix, Pax, Mainmor, and Michelle S!
ha ha ha -I was a small bit disappointed to see that Mainmor and I didn't make your list (sadly hangs head, but only for a second) but it's ok. -You just don't know us yet!
;-)
ha ha ha -I was a small bit disappointed to see that Mainmor and I didn't make your list (sadly hangs head, but only for a second) but it's ok. -You just don't know us yet!
Michelle has an instinct about these things, so my guess is your should have been on that list, indeed! I 'm happy to have you in the 'hood, too and this post is on its way. Thank you so much.
Oh, I don't know how smart we are...maybe we've just made lots of mistakes earlier on in our lives. :P That's how I feel about my life, at least. After a string of heart-shatteringly awful relationships, how could I overlook an amazing man like my fiancé? He's an absolute blessing and a salve for my heart and soul. Unfortunately, as with many things, I really feel that it's difficult for people, in general, to appreciate wonderful blessings of ALL kinds unless they have experienced the exact opposite first. It's a shame...we'd all be a lot happier if we just GOT IT the first go-around, you know? Well, I suppose that's what we call LIFE. :) And, honestly, I wouldn't really change it, even if I could. Because maybe I wasn't so happy THEN, but I am NOW and who's to say I would be, had I not learned those valuable lessons back then? Sometimes, 25 feels a lot older to me than I think it looks to everyone else. :P
Everything you write here is true, in my opinion, also. I'm just admiring that you've caught on so quickly. I stayed in an unhappy relationship for almost two decades. I honestly don't think I started living my life as it was meant to be lived until I hit forty. It would have been nice if I had learned more in my twenties, as you seem to be doing. I also so agree it takes the really bad things inlife to thoroughlly illuminate the good things. Who knows why that is.....
Awww Thanks!
I've added you as well! Michelle is involved in a move right now, so I won't be pestering her for at least a few days, but she'll be tickled to know we've added each other!
Thanks for sending me the post! -I've set it into a certain folder, so I can come right to this post whenever!
You're right, there are some amazing men on Vox :) I don't know most of the others on your list, but Steve Betz is terrific! One of my favourite neighbours!
Which should include being someone who holds high expectations of others ;)
Personally, I have never had a problem with someone who has high expectations of me. Its only an issue if they do not hold themselves to the same expectations. I *really* dislike that, and after time ... it erodes the love.
I'm an oddball and I celebrate oddballery in others. I have never gone for the perfect rich tall-dark-handsome type - in fact, I avoid such men. I've fallen for all sorts of oddballs - some of whom were genuinely nice - but much to my misfortune, nothing has worked out till now. I think I'm too much of an oddball even for them! :-/
However, I'm only 23, so I still have time on a tight leash... :P
I absolutely loved this post and I am adding you to my neigborhood of friends. I hope you will do likewise. It reminds me of a blog entry I posted awhile back on myspace, which I will have to port over here to my new blogging/social networking site of choice. But in a nutshell, I was talking about how some guys I knew when I was in the service would say that some girls were out of their league. I would tell them, and I truly believe, that no woman is out of any man's league, that most women, the good ones, know that they aren't looking for their man to be Brad Pitt, so that as long as you were sensitive and caring and romantic any guy can date and even marry any woman. It's true. My girlfriend is 22 y.o. and I'm 35 and she is absolutely beautiful, inside and out. I don't know how I did it, other than just being myself and loving her with everything that I possess in my soul.
It's going to be great getting to know you.
You look very happy together, too. Lovely photo and thank you so much for your comment.
your post is a wake up call for all women who still searching for prince charming.
http://www.snopes.com/food/origins/grahamcrackers.asp
THIS is why you don't mind him eating graham crackers every day! ;-)
Re: Snopes article. This is hilarious. I had heard something about this Graham fellow before. Even funnier is when I showed the article to my husband, he insisted the information was wrong! (True or not, it hasn't slowed him down any in that department anyway!) ; )
Thanks for this. K!
but this heart been broken and its now close for business......lol.
Good line, Shutterfly.
Sometimes it's good to take a small break like this one. Do you know when your heart will "reopen?" or oare you on an indefinite holiday? : )
Wow... Ok A woman after my own heart!!
I was looking to find my older brother a mate. He seemed to go through a string of really crappy women who just used him for his money and treated him like dirt on the bottom of their shoes. So I being the sister I am, decided to find him the right woman. A woman who would appreciate him for the man he is, and not have all of what you described in your blog.
Finding this woman however was indeed an unbelievable challenge. I thought I could find her amongst the 1000's of women on the LA/Orange/Inland Empire County Craigslist, Match.com, Yahoo Personals and other like methoods.
What I am about to tell you is the truth! I was shocked, horrified and down right disgusted with what I found!!!!!!!! Every single woman's profile I looked at had a laundry list of qualities that they wanted in their perfect mate. Everything to his education, to looks, to humor, to money, to career and of course lifestyle and car. These women who weren't particularly attractive only wanted the finest of everything. They themselves had little to offer, but that didn't stop them from expecting perfection! I spent weeks (literally) looking at these ads.
In the end, I ended up having to write my own ad to find a mate for my brother. Alot of women did reply to my ad, but I handpicked the only one who was right and stood out.... She was the only one who truly would love and appreciate my brother for the man he is. How terribly sad. Thankfully I did find the needle in the haystack but sheesh!
I thought single people were kidding that it is hard to find quality out there! I am like you, very blessed to have a man who cherishes me each and every day of my life. I can't imagine wanting more than what I have - a geek with a poets soul. He is my perfect mate, and I his. We compliment each other, and we are strong where the other is weak.
How sad our society misses out on these men of true quality....... If any of you men that are listed are in your late 50's to late 60's let me know.... I have a mother and a stepmother who are single *big wink* ;)
just when you are about to re-enter the world of diapers and mashed food (for the second time in your life) you finally have the wisdom to dress and feed yourself!
Too true! : )
If you were not married to such a cool guy I would want to smooch you for a couple of hours for this post.
Thank YOU!
You have proven sane women DO exist and vindicated my theory.
PS: it wouldn't be on the mouth either...
If young people in the west had a fraction of the wisdom Patricia, of present, has, then divorce rate will take a huge nose dive. But, Patricia herself got this wisdom after this long in her life. Or else she would not have married a Greek to come out of the wedlock soon after. May be the young people of the present will obtain such wisdom much later in their lives but it may have been too late before they could have avoided a bumpy ride.
Instead of shooting it outright, if you analyse the traditional method of arranged marriages in the east, especially in India, still prevailing to a very great extent, you could see the wisdom of elders playing a good part in finding compatible matches. Nowadays this has been finetuned for the present age with the young couple also having their say after meetings and discussions and giving their final consent . And the biggest plus point in this age old system is that in case of any disputes between the married couple arising later, the very same elders are quick to step in as voluntary counsellors and try to patch up, since most ruptures will have ego of either one or both as the root cause, which can be solved with tact, understanding and parental care.
And again this is possible here because family bonds and filiality run deep in the Asian society. Love and care downwards and upwards exist continuously and are not terminated, so to say, at some stage for practical purposes. Little birds can take off with wings grown and forget the foster care, but humans have sixth sense to behave more appropriately. Old age homes were unheard of until a decade or so back when exodus to the west of professionals started. We don't celebrate Mother's day or Father's day once in a year since we rever them everyday of the year.
All these may sound cultural differences but the vital point is about the values of life and how best they work well in a cauldron of amalgam. Individuals cannot live like an island from others and when they come together, adjustments and more so give and take are necessary for sublime living.
Be happy and cheerful, always.
-----------------------------
Dharmaji
Best wishes,
Patricia