Oops, I Have a Conspiracy Theory (A Political Satire)

 The Bush Administration has a Secret Weapon against free thought of the masses and towards eventual world domination. It’s Britney Spears.

Britney Spears-Secret Weapon

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Think I’m a madwoman? Let’s just look at the facts, shall we?

In 1998, a group called Project for the New American Century (http://www.newamericancentury.org ) sent a letter to President Clinton which I’ve excerpted here:

“Dear Mr. President:

We are writing you because we are convinced that current American policy toward Iraq is not succeeding, and that we may soon face a threat in the Middle East more serious than any since the end of the Cold War. We urge you to seize that opportunity, and to enunciate a new strategy that would secure the interests of the U.S. and our friends and allies around the world. That strategy should aim, above all, at the removal of Saddam Hussein’s regime from power.

…if Saddam does acquire the capability to deliver weapons of mass destruction…the safety of American troops in the region, of our friends and allies like Israel and the moderate Arab states, and a significant portion of the world’s supply of oil will all be put at hazard.

The only acceptable strategy is one that eliminates the possibility that Iraq will be able to use or threaten to use weapons of mass destruction. In the near term, this means a willingness to undertake military action…In the long term, it means removing Saddam Hussein and his regime from power. That now needs to become the aim of American foreign policy. Although we are fully aware of the difficulties in implementing this policy, we believe the dangers of failing to do so are far greater. We believe the U.S. has the authority under existing UN resolutions to take the necessary steps, including military steps, to protect our vital interests in the Gulf. In any case, American policy cannot continue to be crippled by a misguided insistence on unanimity in the UN Security Council.

If you act now to end the threat of weapons of mass destruction against the U.S. or its allies, you will be acting in the most fundamental national security interests of the country.”

 And this letter was signed by the members of the group, some names of whom are easily recognisable:

Elliott Abrams   Richard L. Armitage   William J. Bennett
John Bolton   Dick Cheney  Paula Dobriansky
Francis Fukuyama   Zalmay Khalilzad Richard Perle  
Donald Rumsfeld  William Schneider, Jr.   Vin Weber
Paul Wolfowitz   R. James Woolsey  

 So, three years before the World Trade Centre was attacked, with Clinton still president, this group already held the position to wage war on Iraq.

Why didn’t the people of the United States know about this? Simple - the same year, 1998,  Britney Spears hit the pop scene. At barely legal age, Britney became an instant international success because the music video accompanying her hit song, ”Baby One More Time,"  featured a Lolita-like Spears wearing a girl’s Catholic school uniform, that made grown men drool and grown women speculate whether they could duplicate the look without appearing pathetic.  Britney-mania was launched. 

 But there was a blip in our national concentration on Britney Spears in the year 2000, when Al Gore protested the results of his presidential run against George W. Bush. There were some strange goings on, weren’t there? Ballots marked incorrectly and unaccounted for, Democrats in Florida, where Jeb Bush, George’s brother was governor, prevented going to the voting polls by state police, dead still on the registries ‘materialising’ to vote Republican, all added up to a suspiciously close margin.

But then, Britney’s new single, "Oops, I Did It Again," debuted, breaking the record for highest sales in its first week by any solo artist. And while some protested the inauguration of George Bush by holding up placards that read, “Hail to the Thief,” this became a tempest in a teapot when Britney, at the MTV Music Video Awards, ripped off a black suit, revealing a provocative flesh-coloured, crystal outfit. Well, who could pay attention to what George and Al were up to after that? With “Oops, I Did It Again,” Britney ensnared our attention…again. The new administration was off the hook. 

However, not even Britney could distract us when the towers fell in September of 2001. We were as transfixed by that as we’d been transfixed by our young diva. We even asked questions, though not enough of the important ones. It looked like the Bush Administration might need more spin control than distraction to mollify the nation. An ingenious propaganda campaign was launched and we were on our way to the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq. 
 Was it a coincidence that Britney announced she was taking a six-month career break that same year? No more than this little gal is an unwitting pawn in the Bush Administration’s agenda.

Though we had plenty of evidence to support the fact that the US invasion on Iraq was a personal vendetta and money-making strategy for them, none of us wanted to believe our eyes and ears. We saw that there were no weapons of mass destruction to be found, despite the claims. We heard Bush when he said about Saddam, “Don’t forget, this is the man who once tried to kill my Daddy.”  We read in every newspaper that Halliburton, the Texas company which was awarded the Pentagon's post-war construction contracts at outrageously high bids, was still making annual payments to its former CEO, the vice-president Dick Cheney. (The payments appeared on Cheney's 2001 financial disclosure statement in the form of "deferred compensation" of up to $1m yearly.) Then there were the horrific photographs that came out of Abu Gharib and the soldiers’ testimony that the Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld,  knew and approved of the illegal tortures there.  But we still couldn’t accept that a presidential administration would resort to Machiavellian schemes to get us to invade a country that was really no threat to us. Then.

Britney and Spokeperson for Judaism

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Still not convinced that Britney is working undercover? There’s more. 

By 2004, the death toll in Iraq was equivalent to Vietnam in 1966.Our soldiers faced combat zones every bit as deadly as the ones their fathers had faced in Southeast Asia. But Iraq wasn’t like Vietnam, we rationalised. These soldiers wanted to be there, so we shouldn’t worry about whether we’d sent them to die or be maimed for no good reason. Instead, we worried about why Britney would marry a back-up dancer who was only after money and fame, clearly.  “And what was she thinking with no pre-nup?” We fretted over her marriage far more than we ever thought about the marriages of our soldiers coming home in the boxes we weren’t permitted to see on nightly newscasts. But Britney married her dancer and that’s what we remember of 2004. 

Now, we’re back to “all Britney, all the time” reports. Britney dumping her loser husband, Britney running wild with Paris Hilton (another cunning, bottle-blonde agent for this regime,) Britney without her knickers, Britney without her hair, Britney without her children. On any server’s home page, on any television news station, Britney is inescapable. 

She got her divorce less than one month after George Bush signed the Military Commissions Act, an act so reprehensible that it’s being protested by every civil rights group. But he got away with it, because most Americans don’t even know what it is, how it will effect them and thousands of other innocent people throughout world. Nor do they know it was developed in order to legalise other unlawful acts for which the Bush administration was already being legally challenged. We couldn’t know, because we’ve been hypnotised by Britney Spears.

And when the Blackwater atrocities came to light recently, people didn’t know about that either, because we weren’t thinking “Blackwater,” we were thinking “black bikini.” Britney’s black bikini, worn during her “comeback performance.” (The term, “comeback” a misnomer, for the reason that, unfortunately, she’s never been gone.) The whole nation, most loudly Simon Cowell, (a former spy for Tony Blair’s Administration) gave their opinion on whether or not she should be wearing it.  The slaughter of civilians in Iraq by a firm of private mercenaries paid by the United States government, went unnoticed by most. (These same mercenaries, by the way, were first on the scene in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina.

Blackwater Logo

But what finally convinced me of my “conspiracy theory” was last month’s YouTube video. You have to know the one I mean, because I never look for this stuff, but it finds me, anyway, since the CIA planted it everywhere and we all had to see it. In it, a young man, Chris Crock-of-sh**,  cries into the camera to all of us, “Leave Britney alone!”

I have to digress here to say that if this young man were my son, NOT because he’s gay and NOT because his eye liner‘s overdone, but because he has such a pathetic self-image that he CRAVES this kind of attention from strangers, I’d find the nearest surgeon and say: 

 “Cut out my eyes and give them to a blind child. Take every one of my vital organs and distribute them to people who deserve them more than I.” 

And the surgeon would say, “Legally, we can’t take your organs until you’re dead.”

Then I’d say, “But I’m the mother of the boy in the Britney YouTube video.”

Simultaneously, Britney’s “comeback single” is number one on the charts. She calls it …“Gimme More.” 

Though the country’s fascination with Britney clearly hasn’t waned, The Bush Administration has another secret weapon standing by,  in order to insure the American public’s support. Believe it or not, it’s another bleached blonde - Hillary Clinton.
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