Emancipate Prince Charming

“By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. …No really, there's no rationalization for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously.”
----Bill Hicks

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I’m going to admit something here that is probably going to disappoint a lot of men and surprise a number of more sensible women:

I love Valentine’s Day.

 
I love the schmaltzy cards, the cakes that are shaped like hearts and covered in pink icing, I love wearing the colour red to commemorate. Even though I know it’s all a marketing plot to terrify men and stage-manage women into spending money most of us can ill-afford these days, I still love it. I love it, even though I know very well that every man in a relationship, including my husband, probably hates it.

 
Because men cannot win on Valentine’s Day. They can never think like females, and so, no matter what they come up with ─ what gift, what card, what outing, they’ll never be able to live up to the icon of Prince Charming that both sexes have been deluded by since babyhood.

 
Prince Charming harms all monogamous romantic relationships, and is one of the main reasons why couples come to believe that, “the thrill is gone” after a number of years together. It’s not that the couple’s expectations of ‘romance’ are too ‘high,’ it’s that those expectations have always been a dysfunctional mess. And for that we can thank fairytales.

 
Let’s examine the Prince and women as they are portrayed in fairytales, which were one of the first literary selling tools of imbalance between the sexes, right after the Bible:

 
In Cinderella, there are five women. Three are greedy and malicious, and one is brutalized and downtrodden. The only one of the five (the fairy godmother) with any power that did not become hers by hooking a man, has been desexualized into an old, physically unattractive woman. Little boys and girls reading this fairytale are taught that a true man is a rescuer, and that the most desirable woman is the one who is meekest and has the smallest feet. (Standards of popularity that sure leave me out.) 

 
In Snow White, what attracts the Prince is not only a ‘beautiful’ woman, but the ‘most beautiful’, according to a spiteful mirror, whose exacting qualifications mimic Mr. Blackwell’s.

 
But, it’s in Sleepy Beauty that PC’s choice for female partner is most disturbing. It borders on pedophilia. What the hell kind of marriage will he have with a sixteen-year-old virgin whose done nothing more than live with three maiden aunties, and then fall asleep?

 
No woman with any real spine, spirit, depth, or passion, truly wants to be any of these three gals. And yet, her image of ‘the perfect man, the perfect marriage,’ is equally skewered by these stories.

 
Fact:  Even a loving, responsible husband or lover isn’t always going to be able to get his woman out of the sh*t of her own making. Nope ─ there will be times when he’s just as clueless about what to do to fix things as his woman is.

 
Nor is any heterosexual male, unless he’s narcissistic, self-absorbed, and totally shallow, always going to wear the perfect ‘Prince Charming’ ensemble. (Except if he’s from Rome, of course.)  Instead, he will almost always pick his favourite, though far less glamourous ‘suit of mail’ when he and his princess go out on Valentine’s Day ─ and that will always be the one that doesn’t pinch around the crotch.

 
Fact:  No self-respecting, modern female wants to get married before she does anything else, just so she can be “safe”. Nope ─ she’s going to want to get out there in the world and try stuff out, including other men, so she can learn who she is, and therefore which Prince she wants, before she settles down with him.

  
Nor is she going to wait with infinite patience while her lover tries to figure out on his own the best way to get inside the castle.  Instead, she’s going to shout directions to him, whether he wants to hear them or doesn’t. And that goes for any ‘castle’ he’s trying to storm, including hers, by the way.

 
Any couple that adheres to the quaintly toxic notions fed to us in fairytales is going to be unhappy with their relationship, and unhappy with themselves. This stuff is cute once in a while, but it shouldn’t last forever, unless you live in a polygamist religious sect, and want to blend in.

 
So, for this Valentine’s Day, I say let’s see if we can, like in any good fairytale, transform the Prince and Princesses and release them from the parameters of their bond. Genuine, healthy romance can always be found, even in a long term relationship, if one knows where to look.

  
For example, does your husband:

• warm your side of the bed with his body, while you are still brushing your teeth?

• say, “Cellulite? That’s not cellulite, that’s just an adorable, little dimple?”

• ignore the endless opportunities he has to point out to you how horrifically bi-polar and boorish almost every member of your family is?

• love your biological children (his stepchildren) as his own, even when they are being so obnoxious you can’t bear them, yourself?

• consider making love to you one of the finest things in life, and commit to memory every little thing that turns you on?

• escort you someplace you know he really doesn’t want to go, and then tell you graciously that he enjoyed himself?

• believe in and support your dream, whatever it is, as much as you do?

Or, does your wife:

• do all the birthday/holiday shopping for the entire, extended family, because she knows that just the thought of doing it yourself, makes your stomach turn with anxiety?

If this list looks familiar to you, or you can make a list similar to it of your own, then you are part of a very romantic affair. Prince Charming and his Princesses cannot compete with what you and your partner have.

 
                       Enjoy your Valentine’s Day.